I know I sound like a broken record lately, blogging only about attachment issues, but this is what we are going through right now, hence this is what I need to process.
We are having a "fearful" day today. One adoptive mom of many Liberians explained that it is really helpful to not label our adoptive children's behavior, or them for that matter, negatively. So, for example, Cameron will call from work and ask, "Are we having a fearful day today?" When we discuss Ruthie (whom we re-named Abbie, but I am waiting on Cameron's post to explain the process behind that) we try to frame her behavior positively instead of negatively. We have found that saying she is lying, manipulating, playing games, being "bad" just serves to make us angry or causes us to despair that things will never get better and that is just not true! It can often be a downward spiral when we use negative language and we can both suck each other into seeing her as the enemy instead of seeing her as the treasure we are trying to rescue FROM the enemy.
I am also learning that when Abbie (I am going to use her new name now) has lied to me, decided not to do her chore, her school, not put away things on purpose, etc. I do not really want her to apologize to me. I may be wrong on this one, but hear me out. I do not require her to apologize to me. Often, when I am telling her I know she is doing something wrong on purpose and that I don't want to MAKE her do anything she does not want to, so go play, she will look at me an apologize--in a very monotone voice. I smile and tell her that she does not need to apologize to me--she did not "hurt" me, she hurt herself. I let her know that she does not need to apologize because her behavior does not bother me. I DO tell her that she has sinned and should pray to the Lord and ask for forgiveness--that HE is the person she has wronged. This may ALL change in the future, but right now, I see her apologies as her way to control me and to show me that she thinks her behavior bothers me. I DO make her apologize to others she has wronged, however--including Cameron (when I have caught her--not him), siblings, grandparents, and even the speech therapist. I DO want her to see that she is responsible for her actions, but at this point, since I am the main target, I am trying to show her that ultimately she is hurting herself more than me. I think she lies to other people to bother me anyways. These are just my thoughts . . .
Even a good day, like yesterday, is sprinkled with fearful acts. They do not seem to be a big deal anymore. After doing this for a couple weeks, most of this behavior does not "get" to me anymore. I used to feel controlled and now that I am in control I am much more relaxed with dealing with the things Abbie does.
Abbie is also getting much better about snapping out of a "mood". Before, nothing would pull her out. One lie would lead to another act of disobedience to another, all day with no way to "rescue" her. Now, I can pull her out by loving her--giving her the treat she did not earn (but letting her know she didn't earn it, but that I love her and want her to have it). Courtney really emphasized the importance of grace, and unconditional rewards, in the midst of taking control away. The day I took "something" huge away from Abbie, and she threw the big fit in which she confessed she hated her "black ma", I took her out for a milkshake "just because".
Alright, I think my baby is up and we are heading to the post office and library . . .
Persevering in Christ,
Laura
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Doing Well
After our worst day yet on Friday, we are on our THIRD good day in a row. Saturday, Ruthie started the day by testing me, and after an exhausting day previously, I had really had enough. Thankfully, after rounding at the hospital, Cameron was home all day and took over. Ruthie continues to test him in areas that she has finally submitted to me in. This really frustrates me to see her lack of universality in obedience, but I guess it is to be expected. She will attach to each person differently and in her own timing. However, Cameron is doing such a great job and she is beginning to really understand that yes, we are a united front and always will be. Yesterday, Ruthie began by testing us again. Cameron took control away immediately and she ended up having a wonderful day--even for a Sunday! Today, she woke up all smiles and did EVERYTHING that was asked of her--including school! She told me "Mommy, I coming to have a good day!" and she has meant it. I am so proud of her.
At our Bible study last night, something really struck me about this type of parenting with children who have attachment issues. We were talking about the fact that God puts us through trials in order to make us depend on Him, with the ultimate goal that we would trust Him more. I thought that was SO true with adoption and attachment. We literally are forcing Ruthie to go through trials, by taking control away, so that she will HAVE TO depend on us, with the goal that she would trust us and attach to us. What a great parallel and it made the "taking the battle away" idea more concrete to me.
In Christ, Laura
At our Bible study last night, something really struck me about this type of parenting with children who have attachment issues. We were talking about the fact that God puts us through trials in order to make us depend on Him, with the ultimate goal that we would trust Him more. I thought that was SO true with adoption and attachment. We literally are forcing Ruthie to go through trials, by taking control away, so that she will HAVE TO depend on us, with the goal that she would trust us and attach to us. What a great parallel and it made the "taking the battle away" idea more concrete to me.
In Christ, Laura
Friday, April 24, 2009
Hard Day
We have had a hard day. Actually, yesterday was really rough, too, but we did a lot of running around and with my mind elsewhere I was not on top of things. Today has been very difficult. I think Ruthie has thrown seven tantrums--and this from a child who had NEVER EVER tantrumed until we started to take control away. I actually see these as positive. Instead of keeping things bottled inside she is finally letting it out. I do not try to end the tantrum like I did with Jerome, I let her rage and get it out. She does not actually tantrum with us around, but waits until I leave the room to start yelling. Boy, is she mad!
Will tomorrow be better? I can only pray . . .
In Christ, Laura
Will tomorrow be better? I can only pray . . .
In Christ, Laura
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Progress
We had a great day today with Ruthie! Courtney told me that once we had a breakthrough, as we did last week, that we would probably see one step forward, two steps back, and not to become discouraged. She also told us that we would probably start to see more and more good days, followed by hard days, followed by good days, etc. with a continuing upward, positive trend. Well, yesterday morning was HARD but Ruthie turned her day around at lunch time and went on to have a great day yesterday! She also had a great day today. When I say "great day" I don't mean a day like before in which we just kind of co-existed. No, today felt "normal" in terms of the parent-child relationship. Ruthie was obedient, happy and playful. She was full of smiles and did not once play any games to try to battle for control. She seemed like a "normal" child! It gave me such joy. I know that Ruthie is going to continue to struggle, and even tomorrow may be difficult, but I have hope now that this little girl is attaching and that I am attaching to her.
That is the most amazing thing that has happened through this process: I am genuinely attaching to Ruthie!
I used to feel such anger when I knew Ruthie was lying to me. The anger is gone. Parenting in this way, by taking control away, gave me control back and dissipated my anger. Who enjoys being lied to? Who doesn't take it personally? It is so difficult when it is literally all day long. No amount of lecturing on why lying is wrong helped. There were times when I would be sitting 2 feet from her and see her do something and I would say in shock, "Did you just do 'such-and-such'?" and she would flat-out tell me "No, I didn't do 'that'," and I would say "Yes you did. I saw you," and she would deny it again and my blood would boil. Why engage in that battle? Why do I NEED a confession so badly? I think it is because I wanted her to GIVE me control of her own accord. That was never going to happen. I have learned that I have to TAKE control--and that is very uncomfortable. However, engaging in a battle will always lead to anger--at least it did for me. It did nothing to foster attachment, for either of us.
I loved Ruthie before, but now it is different. It is no longer custodial love, but a deep love, a love that makes me reach for her, smell her hair and enjoy her silliness. I have been through the battle with her and half the battle was about me fighting my own sin, my own anger-it was MY battle to attach, just as much as hers. You can't go through that and NOT change. I fought MYSELF to attach. I had to ask myself, "Do I REALLY want to go through all this with her? Is she worth it to me?" YES! She is worth it. You know it in your head: that every child is worth it. But now, I KNOW it in my heart. It is a different kind of love that is growing. This love would not exist if we had not battled these past 6 weeks. I battled her for control and I battled myself. I battled fears that nothing would ever change, I battled anger, I battled weariness, despair and I cried out to God--literally all the time. Sometimes I would just say, "God help me right now to know what to do." He is so faithful. He did not want us to remain in the stagnant relationship we were in: Me meeting her basic needs, her showing up and not really engaging. He wanted us to be SO bonded it was like I gave birth to her. Now, I am not quite to THAT point yet, but I KNOW it will come.
There is hope in every adoptive situation. Sometimes that hope is in the child finding a new "forever family", as was the case with Jerome. God's hand was ALL OVER that situation. But more often, the hope is that the child WILL attach, WILL heal, and WILL become part of you, not just a "member" of the family. God does not call us to adopt and then leave us to struggle. However, He WILL use that struggle to change us, sanctify us, make us more like Him.
Most of us adopt because we believe in the romance of adoption. We think that we are doing a good thing, caring for the orphans, and God will surely bless it. And then, when we get that child home and it isn't "lovey-dovey" feelings we think we maybe made a mistake, we didn't hear God's voice, it shouldn't be this hard! I thought the fight was in getting my child home! You mean there is MORE to this trial? Where are the feelings!? We think if God were in it, it should be EASY. God SURELY wouldn't call someone like ME to adopt who is struggling so much to attach? What is WRONG with me?, we think. But, don't you think that is PRECISELY WHY He called you (and me)? For this fight! The fight to attach makes us sure that our hearts are REALLY in this, and that we really mean it.
We often wonder why our adoptive children test our love again and again. Can't they see we love them? Don't they know how much we have done for them? But, maybe THEY see what WE can't see in ourselves at first. Maybe they are RIGHT in testing our love and putting it through the refiner's fire to make sure it is genuine. Maybe they see into our hearts better than we do. Can we really fake it and convince them we mean it? If we are really honest with ourselves do you really BLAME them? Do we really mean it, truly? Of what quality IS our love? Adoption, at least for me, has made me see what I am really made of. Maybe I am being too honest . . .
During hard days, we need to THANK God for these trials! Thank Him everyday for this child who is difficult to love. Thank Him that He is using adoption to change us, to not let us remain in our sin. Thank Him that He IS going to do a great work in this child and in us! God is in this! I see it now! I see Him at work in Ruthie, and I FEEL Him at work in me!
Boy, did I have a lot to learn about God's love, about sacrifice, about denying myself, about killing my flesh. I am reminded AGAIN that adoption is SUCH a blessing! We have been through SO MUCH, but I am beginning to believe that those who choose not to adopt are missing out--For sure on great trials, but even more so on RICH blessings.
That is the most amazing thing that has happened through this process: I am genuinely attaching to Ruthie!
I used to feel such anger when I knew Ruthie was lying to me. The anger is gone. Parenting in this way, by taking control away, gave me control back and dissipated my anger. Who enjoys being lied to? Who doesn't take it personally? It is so difficult when it is literally all day long. No amount of lecturing on why lying is wrong helped. There were times when I would be sitting 2 feet from her and see her do something and I would say in shock, "Did you just do 'such-and-such'?" and she would flat-out tell me "No, I didn't do 'that'," and I would say "Yes you did. I saw you," and she would deny it again and my blood would boil. Why engage in that battle? Why do I NEED a confession so badly? I think it is because I wanted her to GIVE me control of her own accord. That was never going to happen. I have learned that I have to TAKE control--and that is very uncomfortable. However, engaging in a battle will always lead to anger--at least it did for me. It did nothing to foster attachment, for either of us.
I loved Ruthie before, but now it is different. It is no longer custodial love, but a deep love, a love that makes me reach for her, smell her hair and enjoy her silliness. I have been through the battle with her and half the battle was about me fighting my own sin, my own anger-it was MY battle to attach, just as much as hers. You can't go through that and NOT change. I fought MYSELF to attach. I had to ask myself, "Do I REALLY want to go through all this with her? Is she worth it to me?" YES! She is worth it. You know it in your head: that every child is worth it. But now, I KNOW it in my heart. It is a different kind of love that is growing. This love would not exist if we had not battled these past 6 weeks. I battled her for control and I battled myself. I battled fears that nothing would ever change, I battled anger, I battled weariness, despair and I cried out to God--literally all the time. Sometimes I would just say, "God help me right now to know what to do." He is so faithful. He did not want us to remain in the stagnant relationship we were in: Me meeting her basic needs, her showing up and not really engaging. He wanted us to be SO bonded it was like I gave birth to her. Now, I am not quite to THAT point yet, but I KNOW it will come.
There is hope in every adoptive situation. Sometimes that hope is in the child finding a new "forever family", as was the case with Jerome. God's hand was ALL OVER that situation. But more often, the hope is that the child WILL attach, WILL heal, and WILL become part of you, not just a "member" of the family. God does not call us to adopt and then leave us to struggle. However, He WILL use that struggle to change us, sanctify us, make us more like Him.
Most of us adopt because we believe in the romance of adoption. We think that we are doing a good thing, caring for the orphans, and God will surely bless it. And then, when we get that child home and it isn't "lovey-dovey" feelings we think we maybe made a mistake, we didn't hear God's voice, it shouldn't be this hard! I thought the fight was in getting my child home! You mean there is MORE to this trial? Where are the feelings!? We think if God were in it, it should be EASY. God SURELY wouldn't call someone like ME to adopt who is struggling so much to attach? What is WRONG with me?, we think. But, don't you think that is PRECISELY WHY He called you (and me)? For this fight! The fight to attach makes us sure that our hearts are REALLY in this, and that we really mean it.
We often wonder why our adoptive children test our love again and again. Can't they see we love them? Don't they know how much we have done for them? But, maybe THEY see what WE can't see in ourselves at first. Maybe they are RIGHT in testing our love and putting it through the refiner's fire to make sure it is genuine. Maybe they see into our hearts better than we do. Can we really fake it and convince them we mean it? If we are really honest with ourselves do you really BLAME them? Do we really mean it, truly? Of what quality IS our love? Adoption, at least for me, has made me see what I am really made of. Maybe I am being too honest . . .
During hard days, we need to THANK God for these trials! Thank Him everyday for this child who is difficult to love. Thank Him that He is using adoption to change us, to not let us remain in our sin. Thank Him that He IS going to do a great work in this child and in us! God is in this! I see it now! I see Him at work in Ruthie, and I FEEL Him at work in me!
Boy, did I have a lot to learn about God's love, about sacrifice, about denying myself, about killing my flesh. I am reminded AGAIN that adoption is SUCH a blessing! We have been through SO MUCH, but I am beginning to believe that those who choose not to adopt are missing out--For sure on great trials, but even more so on RICH blessings.
Just So You Know . . .
. . . We do have other kids besides Ruthie! Yes, it is true. The Mouro household has 5 other children whom we adore and who are getting their equal share of attention even during this tumultuous time.
So . . . Here are some things our other children have been up to:
Jonas is playing baseball and absolutely loves it! He is REALLY good, too! He had his first game last night and his team won! Both times he hit the ball, Jonas would have scored a point, but as he crossed home plate (both times) there was a third out.
Anna continues to LOVE piano, drawing, creating plays, and has an insatiable appetite for books (just like her mother!). Her passion right now is Queen Elizabeth I. When I was 8, I had NO idea who Queen Elizabeth even was! She amazes me . . .
Katria continues to progress in learning to read. She no longer has to sound out every word. I am so proud of this blossoming 4 year-old. Katria is the picture of feminimity. She is usually decked-out in dress up clothes and cannot stand to get dirty. Her dream is to be a mother and she has an entire slew of "children" already with whom she travels, one of whom is a lamb she lovingly named "Nicodemus". Interesting name for a female lamb!
Elyse . . . well what can I say about "Moxie"? She continues to crack us up and frustrate us. She is a bit of a "wild child" and her cuteness does not make it any easier to discipline her. She is Katria's shadow, and follows Katria's every command. However, if we hear Katria crying we know that Elyse is somehow behind it!
Haven is everyone's joy right now. She is a talker and an eater! The FIRST words out of her mouth every morning are "I onna eat!" She will soon be the same weight as Katria (who is light as a feather, and at almost 5 doesn't even weigh 30 lbs!). I asked Haven where mommy's baby was yesterday and she pointed to my belly. Later in the day, I asked her the same question and she pointed to herself and said adamantly "Baby!" Uh-oh.
The "other" children are doing great through all this "battle to attach" stuff. In fact, they have each had their OWN battle to attach--it really is not just parents who need to attach. Siblings need to bond, too. I see the changes in their hearts. Just the other day, Anna said to me, "I used to want to adopt, but I don't want to anymore. I see how hard it is for you and daddy and I don't want to go through that. But . . . MAYBE God is doing all this because He DOES want me to adopt one day and I will already know what to do when I do it!" Such wisdom in her young heart. I know that God uses these trials even in our children's lives to prepare them for their ministries one day! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for each of them . . . how He is going to use this in their lives to bring glory to Himself!
In Christ, Laura
So . . . Here are some things our other children have been up to:
Jonas is playing baseball and absolutely loves it! He is REALLY good, too! He had his first game last night and his team won! Both times he hit the ball, Jonas would have scored a point, but as he crossed home plate (both times) there was a third out.
Anna continues to LOVE piano, drawing, creating plays, and has an insatiable appetite for books (just like her mother!). Her passion right now is Queen Elizabeth I. When I was 8, I had NO idea who Queen Elizabeth even was! She amazes me . . .
Katria continues to progress in learning to read. She no longer has to sound out every word. I am so proud of this blossoming 4 year-old. Katria is the picture of feminimity. She is usually decked-out in dress up clothes and cannot stand to get dirty. Her dream is to be a mother and she has an entire slew of "children" already with whom she travels, one of whom is a lamb she lovingly named "Nicodemus". Interesting name for a female lamb!
Elyse . . . well what can I say about "Moxie"? She continues to crack us up and frustrate us. She is a bit of a "wild child" and her cuteness does not make it any easier to discipline her. She is Katria's shadow, and follows Katria's every command. However, if we hear Katria crying we know that Elyse is somehow behind it!
Haven is everyone's joy right now. She is a talker and an eater! The FIRST words out of her mouth every morning are "I onna eat!" She will soon be the same weight as Katria (who is light as a feather, and at almost 5 doesn't even weigh 30 lbs!). I asked Haven where mommy's baby was yesterday and she pointed to my belly. Later in the day, I asked her the same question and she pointed to herself and said adamantly "Baby!" Uh-oh.
The "other" children are doing great through all this "battle to attach" stuff. In fact, they have each had their OWN battle to attach--it really is not just parents who need to attach. Siblings need to bond, too. I see the changes in their hearts. Just the other day, Anna said to me, "I used to want to adopt, but I don't want to anymore. I see how hard it is for you and daddy and I don't want to go through that. But . . . MAYBE God is doing all this because He DOES want me to adopt one day and I will already know what to do when I do it!" Such wisdom in her young heart. I know that God uses these trials even in our children's lives to prepare them for their ministries one day! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for each of them . . . how He is going to use this in their lives to bring glory to Himself!
In Christ, Laura
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Struggling . . .
I have to be totally honest and say that we are completely struggling right now with Ruthie. We are in the midst of all this "battle for control" with her and it is SO difficult. I said before that I call a friend weekly, sometimes daily, and even email her hourly for advice. She has been through this with her 2 oldest adopted children and she knows that these parenting ideas work. Her children have been home for 4 years and are attached, happy and healed. Honestly, MOST of my ideas come from her--such as doing your children's school work, their chores, etc. (Just wanted to give credit where credit is due! I can't take any of the credit!). I have hesitated in the past to post her name for fear that she would be overwhelmed with an influx of emails asking for help. However, recently, she compiled a list of people who have been through RAD and are on the other side and are willing to help those of us who are struggling. The list is ready and she is ready to receive emails for those of you who are in need of help, like me. Courtney can be found at http://storinguptreasuresinheaven.blogspot.com (for some reason the link wouldn't work).
I know that many of you are encouraged reading these posts just knowing that we are going through the struggle with RAD and have emailed me to tell me that just knowing you are not alone is encouragement. However, many of you have emailed me to ask for help and I just am so new at this, trying to figure out what works, in the midst of the "battle", totally despairing some days that I can't help anyone . . . yet. One day, when we come out on the other side of this, when Ruthie is attached, healed, whole, I will have some knowledge of my own, experience under my belt, and a success story to share. Until then, as I continue to blog about our struggle, just be encouraged that you are not alone and please get yourself a "Courtney" to help you through it. She has made all the difference to me and we would still be beating our heads against the wall if it weren't for her. Thank you, Courtney, not only for being willing to help us, but being willing to help all hurting families by compiling the resource list. May our names be added to the list one day of "seasoned" adoptive parents.
In Christ, Laura
I know that many of you are encouraged reading these posts just knowing that we are going through the struggle with RAD and have emailed me to tell me that just knowing you are not alone is encouragement. However, many of you have emailed me to ask for help and I just am so new at this, trying to figure out what works, in the midst of the "battle", totally despairing some days that I can't help anyone . . . yet. One day, when we come out on the other side of this, when Ruthie is attached, healed, whole, I will have some knowledge of my own, experience under my belt, and a success story to share. Until then, as I continue to blog about our struggle, just be encouraged that you are not alone and please get yourself a "Courtney" to help you through it. She has made all the difference to me and we would still be beating our heads against the wall if it weren't for her. Thank you, Courtney, not only for being willing to help us, but being willing to help all hurting families by compiling the resource list. May our names be added to the list one day of "seasoned" adoptive parents.
In Christ, Laura
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sundays
Does anyone else (who has an adopted child with RAD) have bad days on Sundays? Today was no excpetion. Boy, am I wiped out. Literally EVERY Sunday, from sun-up to sun-down, is one battle after another. We have come to expect it but that does not make it any easier. I am thinking this is a major spiritual battle and Satan really hates the Lord's Day. Any thoughts?
In Christ, Laura
In Christ, Laura
Saturday, April 18, 2009
More Things I've Learned (the hard way, of course! :))
So, here are some other things I have learned about RAD, and specifically about Ruthie:
We bought her this beautiful doll for her birthday last year. She has barely touched the doll since then. It is usally on the floor, it's hair all matted, legs and arms askew. I used to be offended and make an issue out of the blatant neglect of this doll. I used to wonder why this child was not grateful for this treasure. I would ask Ruthie if she liked the doll and if so, why did she not take care of it? I have even taken it away from her--with no emotional response from her.
Well, now I know better. I have learned that it is very common for a child with RAD to reject the gift you give them, to treat it with disdain. However, any little trinket given by any other person, will be played with and even flaunted in front of you. I just picked up on this, took me awhile, but it makes sense. Ruthie, now that we are working on "attaching" has picked up her doll and is playing with her, all on her own. Just a little glimmer of hope. Her acceptance of this doll is a sign to me that she is accepting me, because she is ready to accept my gift.
I have also learned to confront EVERYTHING Ruthie does. Really. When she lies I tell her I know she is lying. When she is going slow on her chore, I tell her I know what she is doing. When she is pretending to not know how to do school, I tell her I know she knows how to do it. When she "forgets" to put something away, I tell her I know she did it on purpose. Remember: Kids with RAD are out for the control, thus they are "control-freaks" (I mean this in the nicest way, of course, being a bit of a "control-freak myself!) and will usually attempt to control their environment to the point of being SO neat, SO meticulous, SO organized. Do you really think they "forgot" to put their shirt in the laundry? Took me awhile . . . So, I confront on EVERYTHING, like I said, and here is why: Kids with RAD are afraid to trust, to attach, to let go control. They will NOT attach to any adult they think they can fool. You will be held in contempt. They are testing you to see if you are strong enough to handle them, deal with their pain and anger and shame. It is often better to confront and be wrong than not to confront and have them "fool" you.
So, I confront on everything with kindess, no anger, no irritation, just very matter-of-factly. I then tell her I KNOW why she is doing it. Sometimes I give her the reason, sometimes I just tell her I know why. Then, I will either do the chore or school for her, give her a consequence (like going to rest until she is able to handle it) or tell her that I know what she is doing, but I still love her and then I hug her (she hates this!, esp. if I am obviously happy with a big dopey grin on my face).
What I am also learning, now that we have had a good day and some partial good days, is that Ruthie's countenance reveals what is going on in her heart. She actually looks angry, miserable, or pouty when she is up to no good. If she is pretending to do her chore, but wiping the same spot over and over, she looks mad. If she is lying, she looks unhappy. Contrarily, yesteday when she genuninely obeyed all day, she was SO happy!
She has disobeyed almost all day, which is not unexpected, and she has been miserable. I simply pointed out to her how happy she was yesterday and asked her if she knew why. She said "because I obeyed,". "That's right," I told her, "It feels GOOD to obey. You were happy! How about today? Are you happy?" She told me no. I asked her why and she told me "I am disobeying." It really helps to have that good day of which to remind her. She can hold onto that, she can remember what that felt like inside herself. It is not ME telling her she will feel good if she obeys, she experienced it herself. That is a gift from God!
I have also learned that it is risky to give second chances. It does not work like it does with my biological children. With my biological children, a second chance is another chance to obey. With Ruthie, it is another opportunity to disobey, and take that opportunity she does! It really hurts me when I have to give her a consequence, and then I see her obeying and I want to go back on what I said, but I can't. I know that it will not help her. If I see her pretending to not do school and I confront her and she says "I will do it right," I have learned that she won't. She has disobeyed and the consequence has to happen. However, there have been times when I have allowed her to do something she has not earned. For example, my children know that they cannot play outside until school is done. Well, Ruthie usually does not finish school and she knows she is choosing to not go outside. There have been times when the day is beautiful and I will look Ruthie in the eyes and tell her she did not earn that privilege but I love her and want her to enjoy God's beauty and I let her go. I don't give her a second chance in the moment to disobey, but I do give her undeserved rewards: grace.
I am also learning that Ruthie has a bad morning almost every day, but submits to my authority sometime in the afternoon. I am not sure on this one. Maybe she wakes up ready to battle and just gives up by the afternoon when she sees the futility of the fight. I don't know.
Well, these are just a few of the things I have learned . . . I know every child is different and every child's battle is unique. However, the pain, fear, anger and shame underneath that battle is the same. These kids are hurting and they need to be rescued. They need our love and sometimes that love is tough love. But, it has to be, doesn't it? This love needs to be stronger than "ordinary" love because otherwise these kids will not accept it because then they would not feel safe.
In Christ, Laura
We bought her this beautiful doll for her birthday last year. She has barely touched the doll since then. It is usally on the floor, it's hair all matted, legs and arms askew. I used to be offended and make an issue out of the blatant neglect of this doll. I used to wonder why this child was not grateful for this treasure. I would ask Ruthie if she liked the doll and if so, why did she not take care of it? I have even taken it away from her--with no emotional response from her.
Well, now I know better. I have learned that it is very common for a child with RAD to reject the gift you give them, to treat it with disdain. However, any little trinket given by any other person, will be played with and even flaunted in front of you. I just picked up on this, took me awhile, but it makes sense. Ruthie, now that we are working on "attaching" has picked up her doll and is playing with her, all on her own. Just a little glimmer of hope. Her acceptance of this doll is a sign to me that she is accepting me, because she is ready to accept my gift.
I have also learned to confront EVERYTHING Ruthie does. Really. When she lies I tell her I know she is lying. When she is going slow on her chore, I tell her I know what she is doing. When she is pretending to not know how to do school, I tell her I know she knows how to do it. When she "forgets" to put something away, I tell her I know she did it on purpose. Remember: Kids with RAD are out for the control, thus they are "control-freaks" (I mean this in the nicest way, of course, being a bit of a "control-freak myself!) and will usually attempt to control their environment to the point of being SO neat, SO meticulous, SO organized. Do you really think they "forgot" to put their shirt in the laundry? Took me awhile . . . So, I confront on EVERYTHING, like I said, and here is why: Kids with RAD are afraid to trust, to attach, to let go control. They will NOT attach to any adult they think they can fool. You will be held in contempt. They are testing you to see if you are strong enough to handle them, deal with their pain and anger and shame. It is often better to confront and be wrong than not to confront and have them "fool" you.
So, I confront on everything with kindess, no anger, no irritation, just very matter-of-factly. I then tell her I KNOW why she is doing it. Sometimes I give her the reason, sometimes I just tell her I know why. Then, I will either do the chore or school for her, give her a consequence (like going to rest until she is able to handle it) or tell her that I know what she is doing, but I still love her and then I hug her (she hates this!, esp. if I am obviously happy with a big dopey grin on my face).
What I am also learning, now that we have had a good day and some partial good days, is that Ruthie's countenance reveals what is going on in her heart. She actually looks angry, miserable, or pouty when she is up to no good. If she is pretending to do her chore, but wiping the same spot over and over, she looks mad. If she is lying, she looks unhappy. Contrarily, yesteday when she genuninely obeyed all day, she was SO happy!
She has disobeyed almost all day, which is not unexpected, and she has been miserable. I simply pointed out to her how happy she was yesterday and asked her if she knew why. She said "because I obeyed,". "That's right," I told her, "It feels GOOD to obey. You were happy! How about today? Are you happy?" She told me no. I asked her why and she told me "I am disobeying." It really helps to have that good day of which to remind her. She can hold onto that, she can remember what that felt like inside herself. It is not ME telling her she will feel good if she obeys, she experienced it herself. That is a gift from God!
I have also learned that it is risky to give second chances. It does not work like it does with my biological children. With my biological children, a second chance is another chance to obey. With Ruthie, it is another opportunity to disobey, and take that opportunity she does! It really hurts me when I have to give her a consequence, and then I see her obeying and I want to go back on what I said, but I can't. I know that it will not help her. If I see her pretending to not do school and I confront her and she says "I will do it right," I have learned that she won't. She has disobeyed and the consequence has to happen. However, there have been times when I have allowed her to do something she has not earned. For example, my children know that they cannot play outside until school is done. Well, Ruthie usually does not finish school and she knows she is choosing to not go outside. There have been times when the day is beautiful and I will look Ruthie in the eyes and tell her she did not earn that privilege but I love her and want her to enjoy God's beauty and I let her go. I don't give her a second chance in the moment to disobey, but I do give her undeserved rewards: grace.
I am also learning that Ruthie has a bad morning almost every day, but submits to my authority sometime in the afternoon. I am not sure on this one. Maybe she wakes up ready to battle and just gives up by the afternoon when she sees the futility of the fight. I don't know.
Well, these are just a few of the things I have learned . . . I know every child is different and every child's battle is unique. However, the pain, fear, anger and shame underneath that battle is the same. These kids are hurting and they need to be rescued. They need our love and sometimes that love is tough love. But, it has to be, doesn't it? This love needs to be stronger than "ordinary" love because otherwise these kids will not accept it because then they would not feel safe.
In Christ, Laura
A Rough Start . . .
Ruthie started out today reverting back to some of her "old" behaviors. After I nipped it in the bud, things are going smoothly. Hey, she's gotta test, right? She has to make sure that I mean what I say! My in-laws left this morning and it may have had something to do with that. I am not discouraged in the least, but encouraged because I know that we have seen progress, a breakthrough, and that there is hope! We ARE winning this little girl's trust and her heart.
I wanted to share some things that helped me while we went through the worst of it these past few weeks:
~I work out 4-5 times a week--and not a light pregnancy workout, but a workout with weights that makes me sore and leaves me feeling totally invigorated afterwards. Sometimes Ruthie joins me, but usually this is my time to let her do what she wants because I am not stopping! LOL
~I have Ruthie (and all the kids) take a rest time everyday for at least an hour if not more. I also rest during this time, usually by reading a book--and not a parenting/adoption/attachment book, but a good read. I love classics and right now am reading "The Woman in White" by Wilkie Collins. So far, so good.
~I recognize when I am not responding in love to Ruthie and instead of doing her chore, school, etc. for her, I have her rest to "get strong" enough to come back and do it. This gives us both a breather from one another. It is better for me to take a break than to not respond in love.
~My kids are in bed by 8(ish). Then it is Cameron's and my time. I do not do any housework and such after the kids go to bed, but let myself rest.
~I have minimized outside influences right now. Play dates, playgroups, and field trips are not a priority right now. I have enough on my plate without adding more stress. I am not involved in outside ministry because right now, Ruthie IS my ministry, as are all my other little ones. I want to spend these young and tender years investing in them. I also try to limit the time when my mind is occupied on the computer and phone--I find that usually while I am busy doing other things, Ruthie is finding ways to act out. I have to be constantly ready for anything and although this is draining, it is worth it.
~I get up every morning BEFORE my kids and have a quiet time. Sometimes it is only a few minutes before they trickle in, but being alone with God to eat my "daily bread" and pray renews me and arms me for battle each day. In addition, it really helps to be up before Ruthie so that she is not prepared for the day before me--that would give her control. I want to be prepared and in control at all times.
These few things have really helped me through the hard days. I also play praise music, keep a tight schedule, and we stay home a lot!
Well, it is a GORGEOUS day and I am off to spend some time with the kiddos outside! (poor Cameron is busy with "work stuff" today and isn't home) :(
In Christ, Laura
I wanted to share some things that helped me while we went through the worst of it these past few weeks:
~I work out 4-5 times a week--and not a light pregnancy workout, but a workout with weights that makes me sore and leaves me feeling totally invigorated afterwards. Sometimes Ruthie joins me, but usually this is my time to let her do what she wants because I am not stopping! LOL
~I have Ruthie (and all the kids) take a rest time everyday for at least an hour if not more. I also rest during this time, usually by reading a book--and not a parenting/adoption/attachment book, but a good read. I love classics and right now am reading "The Woman in White" by Wilkie Collins. So far, so good.
~I recognize when I am not responding in love to Ruthie and instead of doing her chore, school, etc. for her, I have her rest to "get strong" enough to come back and do it. This gives us both a breather from one another. It is better for me to take a break than to not respond in love.
~My kids are in bed by 8(ish). Then it is Cameron's and my time. I do not do any housework and such after the kids go to bed, but let myself rest.
~I have minimized outside influences right now. Play dates, playgroups, and field trips are not a priority right now. I have enough on my plate without adding more stress. I am not involved in outside ministry because right now, Ruthie IS my ministry, as are all my other little ones. I want to spend these young and tender years investing in them. I also try to limit the time when my mind is occupied on the computer and phone--I find that usually while I am busy doing other things, Ruthie is finding ways to act out. I have to be constantly ready for anything and although this is draining, it is worth it.
~I get up every morning BEFORE my kids and have a quiet time. Sometimes it is only a few minutes before they trickle in, but being alone with God to eat my "daily bread" and pray renews me and arms me for battle each day. In addition, it really helps to be up before Ruthie so that she is not prepared for the day before me--that would give her control. I want to be prepared and in control at all times.
These few things have really helped me through the hard days. I also play praise music, keep a tight schedule, and we stay home a lot!
Well, it is a GORGEOUS day and I am off to spend some time with the kiddos outside! (poor Cameron is busy with "work stuff" today and isn't home) :(
In Christ, Laura
Friday, April 17, 2009
Our First Good Day
Ruthie had a good day today. This is our first good day since we have began to parent Ruthie in light of our understanding of her attachment "issues". Someone asked if I praised her for her positive behavior today. Great question. Actually, I did not really comment on it, with good reason. First, I know that she will probably "circle back" and revert back to old behaviors again and I know that in the past any type of praise has caused Ruthie to literally STOP her good behavior. However, here is what I DID do: I pointed out to Ruthie how happy she was today. I smiled at her, thanked her, hugged her, told her how much I loved her every chance I got, and parented her as I would any other "normal" child. She did what was EXPECTED of her, and although for her this is HUGE, I know and SHE knows that her behavior today was not extraordinary, but finally meeting expectations. Also, this has not really been about behavior, but about surrender of control and surrender of her heart. So, I encouraged Ruthie, but was not excessive or lavish in my praise. I know that she "gets it". The VERY FIRST thing she said to Cameron when he walked in the door from work tonight was "Daddy, I obeyed mommy today!", with a HUGE smile on her face--AND smiling eyes!! I never even mentioned the word obedience. She knew. She understands the "game" that she has been playing and she recognized that today she played by my rules. That one phrase she uttered to Cameron said SO much: It wasn't just that she obeyed, it was that she accepted me as her mommy. That's what she was saying! She was saying, "I obeyed. Do you know what that means? I did not push mommy away. I love her, she is MY mommy."
Ruthie was SO happy today--the change was DRASTIC. She literally bounced through today brimming with joy, so light, so free. Yes, we had a few incidents of testing-but they were so minor. Usually, when she tests me and I confront Ruthie and take control away she immediately tries again. Today, it did not even phase her or deflate her good mood.
This little girl, whom we used to describe as a shell of a person, empty, devoid of personality, was full of life today. A change is taking place. What did we do? We loved Ruthie everyday all day until the point of exhaustion. There were times that I was so angry on the inside and I wanted to show it, but I smiled and told her that her behavior did not bother me and would not make me stop loving her. I told her that the more she lied, the more I loved her because she was showing me she needed me and that made me feel SO good. I took control away over and over and over calmly and happily. I vented a lot to Cameron, my in-laws, my adoptive friends. And, I prayed like CRAZY.
Today, Ruthie came and found me and told me that she prayed for her "black ma" for the first time. She also said that she forgave her. She then told me that she asked Jesus into her heart. I said, "But Ruthie, you prayed with me to ask Jesus in your heart already. Don't you remember?" She looked down at the floor and shook her head--the meaning was clear: it had been an act. I asked her, "So today you meant it?" and she said yes and that she was SO happy.
God did this, not me. I just surrendered to Him. I told Him that I couldn't do this anymore and He would have to take control. He did, but He showed me that I was unloving, I was angry, I was proud, I was part of the problem. I didn't want to see that. Do you know how much sacrifice it was for me to love this child who pushed me away? I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was. But, God did something in my heart. Ruthie is not the only one changed here. I have changed. Ruthie is not the only one who needed to attach. I needed to attach. I think I had RAD, too! But, I had to be the one to change first. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. I know we aren't done. But, now I know that there is hope. Now I know the power of love. Now I know that the gospel in action works. This trial has been so difficult, but it has been worth it. I am glad that I am not who I was even 2 months ago and for that I praise God for this trial. Even if Ruthie had never changed, I still would have changed and that makes adopting a child with RAD such an incredible blessing.
In Christ, Laura
Ruthie was SO happy today--the change was DRASTIC. She literally bounced through today brimming with joy, so light, so free. Yes, we had a few incidents of testing-but they were so minor. Usually, when she tests me and I confront Ruthie and take control away she immediately tries again. Today, it did not even phase her or deflate her good mood.
This little girl, whom we used to describe as a shell of a person, empty, devoid of personality, was full of life today. A change is taking place. What did we do? We loved Ruthie everyday all day until the point of exhaustion. There were times that I was so angry on the inside and I wanted to show it, but I smiled and told her that her behavior did not bother me and would not make me stop loving her. I told her that the more she lied, the more I loved her because she was showing me she needed me and that made me feel SO good. I took control away over and over and over calmly and happily. I vented a lot to Cameron, my in-laws, my adoptive friends. And, I prayed like CRAZY.
Today, Ruthie came and found me and told me that she prayed for her "black ma" for the first time. She also said that she forgave her. She then told me that she asked Jesus into her heart. I said, "But Ruthie, you prayed with me to ask Jesus in your heart already. Don't you remember?" She looked down at the floor and shook her head--the meaning was clear: it had been an act. I asked her, "So today you meant it?" and she said yes and that she was SO happy.
God did this, not me. I just surrendered to Him. I told Him that I couldn't do this anymore and He would have to take control. He did, but He showed me that I was unloving, I was angry, I was proud, I was part of the problem. I didn't want to see that. Do you know how much sacrifice it was for me to love this child who pushed me away? I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was. But, God did something in my heart. Ruthie is not the only one changed here. I have changed. Ruthie is not the only one who needed to attach. I needed to attach. I think I had RAD, too! But, I had to be the one to change first. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. I know we aren't done. But, now I know that there is hope. Now I know the power of love. Now I know that the gospel in action works. This trial has been so difficult, but it has been worth it. I am glad that I am not who I was even 2 months ago and for that I praise God for this trial. Even if Ruthie had never changed, I still would have changed and that makes adopting a child with RAD such an incredible blessing.
In Christ, Laura
I am laughing
Okay, an addendum to my last post . . .
Did I mention that it is not even 9 am and Ruthie is dressed, bed made, breakfast eaten, kitchen chore done, day chore done and school done??????!!!!!!!!!
This has NEVER happened.
Yesterday, she refused to do school and finished her chore FINALLY at dinner time!
Praise God! My heart is rejoicing.
In Christ, Laura
Did I mention that it is not even 9 am and Ruthie is dressed, bed made, breakfast eaten, kitchen chore done, day chore done and school done??????!!!!!!!!!
This has NEVER happened.
Yesterday, she refused to do school and finished her chore FINALLY at dinner time!
Praise God! My heart is rejoicing.
In Christ, Laura
A Breakthrough!
Thank you for all your helpful comments, emails, and prayers. Yesterday was a really really hard day. I felt like I was up against a wall and at my breaking point with Ruthie's behavior. I talked to my mother-in-law about how frustrated I was and then I prayed and it became clear what I had to do. With children with RAD, it can be so difficult to get to their heart because they have it locked so tightly away. They will not let you penetrate these walls, and it feels like you are literally busting through. Each act of kindness and each act of love crumbles the walls more and more, but it can be so frustrating because you don't really see that it is making a difference. Sometimes, control has to be taken away in drastic ways. This is what I had to do yesterday. It became clear to me and I called a friend and she prayed with me. Her prayer gave me such peace, such confidence in the decision I was making (not really important what it was, just that it was an issue that had been a battle and I needed to take control away). I went and told Ruthie what was going to happen and she began to cry and scream, kicking her little legs and yelling at me. She told me that I hated her, that she hated me, and that she did not love me. I felt peace. I did not even waver in my decision for a moment. I held her and reassured her that I loved her and did not hate her and that she was not angry at what I was taking away because she had made it clear, every single day, that she did not care by her actions. I asked her what she was really mad about and she started to yell that she was angry at her "black ma" for leaving her in Africa. The sobbing came and I just held her and let her cry. She told me she did not want me to love her, she did not want anyone to love her and did not want any mommy. She said she could take care of herself. It broke my heart, but it had to come out. This was the source of all the rage that came out in passive-aggressive ways every hour of every day.
Ruthie exhausted herself to the point of falling asleep. I woke her up and she was calm and the battle was gone. She seemed at peace. I took her, Anna, Katria and Elyse out for a milkshake and to run some errands (Ruthie's favorite thing). A change had come over her--an acceptance, a tenderness, peace. It was amazing to see the change. At the advice of a friend, I talked to Ruthie a little more about her "black ma" and assured her that it was okay to be mad at her, and to hate her right now for what happened to her. But, I told her that one day, when she was ready, she would need to forgive her ma. I also told her that it was okay to love her "black ma" and to love me, too. I also told her that I loved her "black ma" and she looked at me with such shock. I told her I loved her "black ma" because she gave Ruthie to me and that was the most wonderful thing.
Ruthie had a good day for its remainder. Cameron asked me last night what I thought "tomorrow" would hold for her and I and I honestly told him I thought it would be awful. Usually each good day is followed by a bad one, every breakthrough is followed by even more difficult challenges.
However, Ruthie came upstairs this morning for the FIRST time EVER smiling. She is like a new kid today. I mean, she has done everything cheerfully and obediently and pointed out each thing to me with a genuine smile on her face, confirming that she is not "forgetting" usually, but doing things on purpose. She has a skip in her step, a lightness in her spirit. I am so happy, but I am on egg shells, wondering if this is going to last. I don't know what to think. I DO know that we are making progress. God is going to bless this. He has so far. He will not leave Ruthie to suffer in her pain of being abandoned and fear of being rejected. He loves her and He IS healing her. I am so blessed that God chose me to be a part of this, to witness this transformation in this child's heart.
Please continue to pray for us. This can be a roller coaster of emotions. I don't WANT to be on my guard, but I know that I cannot just assume that things are going to be great now that Ruthie let out her darkest, well-kept secret. I knew what was at the core of her anger, but her verbalizing it is a huge release for her. It didn't matter how many times I told her I knew what was wrong, she had to confess it.
I am off to start my day (Ruthie asked ME to do school today!!!!)
In Christ, Laura
Ruthie exhausted herself to the point of falling asleep. I woke her up and she was calm and the battle was gone. She seemed at peace. I took her, Anna, Katria and Elyse out for a milkshake and to run some errands (Ruthie's favorite thing). A change had come over her--an acceptance, a tenderness, peace. It was amazing to see the change. At the advice of a friend, I talked to Ruthie a little more about her "black ma" and assured her that it was okay to be mad at her, and to hate her right now for what happened to her. But, I told her that one day, when she was ready, she would need to forgive her ma. I also told her that it was okay to love her "black ma" and to love me, too. I also told her that I loved her "black ma" and she looked at me with such shock. I told her I loved her "black ma" because she gave Ruthie to me and that was the most wonderful thing.
Ruthie had a good day for its remainder. Cameron asked me last night what I thought "tomorrow" would hold for her and I and I honestly told him I thought it would be awful. Usually each good day is followed by a bad one, every breakthrough is followed by even more difficult challenges.
However, Ruthie came upstairs this morning for the FIRST time EVER smiling. She is like a new kid today. I mean, she has done everything cheerfully and obediently and pointed out each thing to me with a genuine smile on her face, confirming that she is not "forgetting" usually, but doing things on purpose. She has a skip in her step, a lightness in her spirit. I am so happy, but I am on egg shells, wondering if this is going to last. I don't know what to think. I DO know that we are making progress. God is going to bless this. He has so far. He will not leave Ruthie to suffer in her pain of being abandoned and fear of being rejected. He loves her and He IS healing her. I am so blessed that God chose me to be a part of this, to witness this transformation in this child's heart.
Please continue to pray for us. This can be a roller coaster of emotions. I don't WANT to be on my guard, but I know that I cannot just assume that things are going to be great now that Ruthie let out her darkest, well-kept secret. I knew what was at the core of her anger, but her verbalizing it is a huge release for her. It didn't matter how many times I told her I knew what was wrong, she had to confess it.
I am off to start my day (Ruthie asked ME to do school today!!!!)
In Christ, Laura
Friday, April 10, 2009
Update on Ruthie and Attachment Issues
It has been a busy week because my in-laws are here and we are in the midst of many home-improvement projects. It has been fun to have them here, although my house is kind of a wreck from all of our renovations.
Things with Ruthie have been extremely tough. When you take control away from a child, they will obviously not be thankful, but will panic and seek to take control back. It has been literally non-stop, but I think I am getting better at knowing how to handle each situation. For the first time in weeks, (probably months but we have only been doing things differently for the past few weeks), Ruthie had a good day. A breakthrough! I really really wanted to "throw the towel in" on the new method of dealing with the behaviors of RAD, but now I see that it is working! As we take control away from Ruthie we shower her with love and reassure her that she is safe, we love her, she isn't going anywhere. One thing I do is hold her very tightly in a cradle position and talk to her, telling her she is safe, loved and is not going anywhere. I try to do this once a day. The first time I did this she became very upset. She is an affectionate child, but a lot of it is on her terms. She made eye contact, but I could tell she was uncomfortable. Making eye contact, however, is a great sign. She also did not resist me holding her, but relaxed. Her expression, however was one of fear and she began to cry, and then sob. She cried for over an hour as I told her to let it out.
I read the book "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas this week and learned quite a bit. I do not necessarily agree with everything she purports, but I was reassured that trying to figure out the "WHY?" behind RAD behaviors is like beating your head against a wall: it just won't make sense. I just know that what we are doing is working, after 16 months we are making progress. One thing I disagree with in the book is the notion that the behavior that receives the most "pizazz", or attention, is the one the child with RAD will keep doing. However, we have learned that if we praise Ruthie for doing a good job, or for obedience, she is almost certain to NOT do that behavior again. She wants to make us angry. So . . . I have been telling her that it does not bother me when she disobeys or "forgets" to do things on purpose, that it actually makes me love her MORE because I see how much she needs me! She got SO angry when I first told her this. The expression on her face showed it all. After I walked away from her (she was sitting on my bed "resting" until she was "strong" enough to handle things) she took beads out of her hair. The way I discovered this was that I called her to brush her teeth (I have to do this for her because she told us she was brushing her teeth but was lying) and I noticed a braid without beads. I did not even question her. You cannot question a RAD child, it is what they want and gives them control. I said "oh, I see that you took your beads out. Go get the beads and bring them to me." She went into the bedroom and picked up beads from all over the floor. She had not just taken them out--she threw them everywhere right after I told her I loved her. Lately, when I tell her that I know why she is disobeying--she is doing it because she knows it makes me love her more she will pinch her lips together and shake her head no. It makes her so mad that I love her. Her worst days right now are the days when I love on her and when I am joyful. When I am frustrated, and it shows, she is actually giddy, bouncing around everywhere.
Here are some other scenarios from this week that will give you a window on Ruthie's behavior and my response. Let me first say that I share in the hopes that it will help those of you who are struggling--(many of you have emailed me). I also share so that our family and friends can understand what is going on, why we do the things we do, and so that you can know how to pray for us. You HAVE TO parent kids with RAD differently, you just do. Commonly, you have to do the opposite of what you would do with biological children--because they are attached! Let me just say that until you live with a kid with RAD, until you parent a child who is not attached, you have NO idea and should be very careful to judge things from how they "appear" on the outside. If you don't understand--ask, pray, support. Don't assume that the adoptive parent is "mean" or dislikes the adopted child. They are doing what they are doing out of love in the hopes that one day, the child will heal and be whole again. Most of Ruthie's behaviors don't make sense to me and why what we do works with her does not make sense to me either. I just know it works, but it wouldn't work for my other children.
Here is the first example: Ruthie "forgot" how to do school one day last week. She does this every day. I used to think she couldn't do it. Now I know better. I used to tell her she could sit there until she finished and she could have her snack, join us for lunch, go play, etc. when she was done. Battle on. She would sit there for HOURS. RAD kids will always outlast you. So this week, when she was having "trouble" I told her that I really really wanted her to be able to have a snack, and I loved her so much that I would do her school for her. I did the page, gave myself smiley faces, told myself "Good job!", gave Ruthie a hug, and handed her a snack. She cried and the snack sat untouched until I reassured her it was for real, the snack was earned. In the past, she had no remorse for lying about school or the hours wasted. Tears over school? Never. However, this got through--I showed her love, took the battle away and I "broke through". The next time we did school, she did it the right way for the first time EVER.
Last weekend, I did Ruthie's hair--a really cute hairstyle of cornrows and lots of beads. She loved it and shook her beads, admiring the sound they made. She received many compliments on her hairstyle at church and seemed quite proud. However, she began to "sabotage" it this week by telling me that her beads were "falling out". (this was prior to the incident of her pulling out her beads and throwing them everywhere). Hmmmmm . . . In the past, I would have suspected that she was doing it and questioned her. She would have insisted that they were falling out, that she would NEVER pull them out, and that she was telling the truth. Again, I have learned to not ask, but to just state that I know what she did and why she did it. If they REALLY didn't do it, they will let you know, but USUALLY there are too many "coincidences" and "accidents", and your gut feeling is usually right. Remember, it took us a YEAR to "catch-on" to what Ruthie was doing. So, this time I told her that I knew she took them out. Then I told her that since she was taking them out, she must not like them and next time could she please just tell me she did not want beads in so that we did not have to go to all the trouble of putting them in. I then told her we would take them out for her to help her, that we loved her and did not want her to have those "bothersome" beads in. So Anna and I took them out (Anna had put them in) and Ruthie cried. We asked her why she was crying since she was the one pulling them out. She said she liked them. Make sense to you? Not me either. It is a control issue and she sabotaged the hairstyle. I have since learned that she deliberately removes her head scarf at night and hides it inside her silky cap as soon as we kiss her goodnight. This means that her hairstyles get really fuzzy really fast. For the first year she was here, I was so frustrated wondering why I had to redo her hair so often. Well, we caught her this week and she told me she has been doing it since she got here. WHY? Well, today I told her she was cute and she told me "No I'm not," as her eyes filled with tears. She wants to make herself unattractive. I told her she was beautiful and I loved her and she cried. She hates herself and wants to make herself ugly like she feels she is. It breaks my heart.
Ruthie also enjoys making lots of noises--fake coughing, sneezing, and clearing her throat. Well, it literally drives me nuts and if you tell her to stop she does it even more. The noises are actually really very convincing and most people will say "Bless you" to her when she sneezes. Even I was fooled the first, hmmmm . . . 50 times she sneezed in one morning!! So, I took advice from Nancy Thomas and told Ruthie this week, after an entire day of clearing her throat--kind of a grunting sound--that she could have special time to practice her "hobby" in her room and I would set the timer. Well, after the 15 minutes was up, she was allowed to join us while I read books to the children. After 10 minutes, she started grunting again, totally testing. I sent her back to "practice" some more. She started to cry. I asked her why she was crying if she liked making the noise so much?! I was only being nice and giving her what she wanted to make her happy--extra time to make her favorite noise. I told her she could let me know every time she wanted to "practice" by making the noise. Guess what? Noise gone. It literally has ended. I never threatened, yelled, told her to stop, etc. I just took control away by giving her permission to make her sound. If the child thinks you like the sound, that you want them to do it, are giving them permission to do it, it will stop. The whole point is to make you angry, to push you away, so that you will not love them.
I don't share these things to mock Ruthie or put her negative behavior on display. First of all, there are many examples that I won't share. Secondly, I have received SO many comments and emails from parents who are also struggling and my desire is to help those who are desperate like we were. Third, I truly believe that these behaviors are NOT the real Ruthie, but just symptoms of RAD that will go away as she heals. I think these examples are not unique, but ones thousands of adopted children do on a daily basis, and another adoptive mom could just change the name to her child's. When Ruthie feels safe, trusts us, and attaches to us, the REAL Ruthie will come out--the one we are beginning to see glimpses of. The bizarre behavior will be gone and these examples will no longer be part of her. Honestly, as I have said before, adoption is SO hard, but it is worth it. We are growing closer to God as we go through this, and that makes it worth it!
I would LOVE to talk to any parents who are struggling, who need help. I am SO glad another adoptive mother helped me, and continues to help me. I call her weekly and email her daily, and sometimes hourly!!, for advice. She has been such a blessing and I would love to talk to others who are struggling. I am busy with my own crew of children, but I will do my best to find time to help. Please email me if you have questions . . .
In Christ, Laura
Things with Ruthie have been extremely tough. When you take control away from a child, they will obviously not be thankful, but will panic and seek to take control back. It has been literally non-stop, but I think I am getting better at knowing how to handle each situation. For the first time in weeks, (probably months but we have only been doing things differently for the past few weeks), Ruthie had a good day. A breakthrough! I really really wanted to "throw the towel in" on the new method of dealing with the behaviors of RAD, but now I see that it is working! As we take control away from Ruthie we shower her with love and reassure her that she is safe, we love her, she isn't going anywhere. One thing I do is hold her very tightly in a cradle position and talk to her, telling her she is safe, loved and is not going anywhere. I try to do this once a day. The first time I did this she became very upset. She is an affectionate child, but a lot of it is on her terms. She made eye contact, but I could tell she was uncomfortable. Making eye contact, however, is a great sign. She also did not resist me holding her, but relaxed. Her expression, however was one of fear and she began to cry, and then sob. She cried for over an hour as I told her to let it out.
I read the book "When Love is Not Enough" by Nancy Thomas this week and learned quite a bit. I do not necessarily agree with everything she purports, but I was reassured that trying to figure out the "WHY?" behind RAD behaviors is like beating your head against a wall: it just won't make sense. I just know that what we are doing is working, after 16 months we are making progress. One thing I disagree with in the book is the notion that the behavior that receives the most "pizazz", or attention, is the one the child with RAD will keep doing. However, we have learned that if we praise Ruthie for doing a good job, or for obedience, she is almost certain to NOT do that behavior again. She wants to make us angry. So . . . I have been telling her that it does not bother me when she disobeys or "forgets" to do things on purpose, that it actually makes me love her MORE because I see how much she needs me! She got SO angry when I first told her this. The expression on her face showed it all. After I walked away from her (she was sitting on my bed "resting" until she was "strong" enough to handle things) she took beads out of her hair. The way I discovered this was that I called her to brush her teeth (I have to do this for her because she told us she was brushing her teeth but was lying) and I noticed a braid without beads. I did not even question her. You cannot question a RAD child, it is what they want and gives them control. I said "oh, I see that you took your beads out. Go get the beads and bring them to me." She went into the bedroom and picked up beads from all over the floor. She had not just taken them out--she threw them everywhere right after I told her I loved her. Lately, when I tell her that I know why she is disobeying--she is doing it because she knows it makes me love her more she will pinch her lips together and shake her head no. It makes her so mad that I love her. Her worst days right now are the days when I love on her and when I am joyful. When I am frustrated, and it shows, she is actually giddy, bouncing around everywhere.
Here are some other scenarios from this week that will give you a window on Ruthie's behavior and my response. Let me first say that I share in the hopes that it will help those of you who are struggling--(many of you have emailed me). I also share so that our family and friends can understand what is going on, why we do the things we do, and so that you can know how to pray for us. You HAVE TO parent kids with RAD differently, you just do. Commonly, you have to do the opposite of what you would do with biological children--because they are attached! Let me just say that until you live with a kid with RAD, until you parent a child who is not attached, you have NO idea and should be very careful to judge things from how they "appear" on the outside. If you don't understand--ask, pray, support. Don't assume that the adoptive parent is "mean" or dislikes the adopted child. They are doing what they are doing out of love in the hopes that one day, the child will heal and be whole again. Most of Ruthie's behaviors don't make sense to me and why what we do works with her does not make sense to me either. I just know it works, but it wouldn't work for my other children.
Here is the first example: Ruthie "forgot" how to do school one day last week. She does this every day. I used to think she couldn't do it. Now I know better. I used to tell her she could sit there until she finished and she could have her snack, join us for lunch, go play, etc. when she was done. Battle on. She would sit there for HOURS. RAD kids will always outlast you. So this week, when she was having "trouble" I told her that I really really wanted her to be able to have a snack, and I loved her so much that I would do her school for her. I did the page, gave myself smiley faces, told myself "Good job!", gave Ruthie a hug, and handed her a snack. She cried and the snack sat untouched until I reassured her it was for real, the snack was earned. In the past, she had no remorse for lying about school or the hours wasted. Tears over school? Never. However, this got through--I showed her love, took the battle away and I "broke through". The next time we did school, she did it the right way for the first time EVER.
Last weekend, I did Ruthie's hair--a really cute hairstyle of cornrows and lots of beads. She loved it and shook her beads, admiring the sound they made. She received many compliments on her hairstyle at church and seemed quite proud. However, she began to "sabotage" it this week by telling me that her beads were "falling out". (this was prior to the incident of her pulling out her beads and throwing them everywhere). Hmmmmm . . . In the past, I would have suspected that she was doing it and questioned her. She would have insisted that they were falling out, that she would NEVER pull them out, and that she was telling the truth. Again, I have learned to not ask, but to just state that I know what she did and why she did it. If they REALLY didn't do it, they will let you know, but USUALLY there are too many "coincidences" and "accidents", and your gut feeling is usually right. Remember, it took us a YEAR to "catch-on" to what Ruthie was doing. So, this time I told her that I knew she took them out. Then I told her that since she was taking them out, she must not like them and next time could she please just tell me she did not want beads in so that we did not have to go to all the trouble of putting them in. I then told her we would take them out for her to help her, that we loved her and did not want her to have those "bothersome" beads in. So Anna and I took them out (Anna had put them in) and Ruthie cried. We asked her why she was crying since she was the one pulling them out. She said she liked them. Make sense to you? Not me either. It is a control issue and she sabotaged the hairstyle. I have since learned that she deliberately removes her head scarf at night and hides it inside her silky cap as soon as we kiss her goodnight. This means that her hairstyles get really fuzzy really fast. For the first year she was here, I was so frustrated wondering why I had to redo her hair so often. Well, we caught her this week and she told me she has been doing it since she got here. WHY? Well, today I told her she was cute and she told me "No I'm not," as her eyes filled with tears. She wants to make herself unattractive. I told her she was beautiful and I loved her and she cried. She hates herself and wants to make herself ugly like she feels she is. It breaks my heart.
Ruthie also enjoys making lots of noises--fake coughing, sneezing, and clearing her throat. Well, it literally drives me nuts and if you tell her to stop she does it even more. The noises are actually really very convincing and most people will say "Bless you" to her when she sneezes. Even I was fooled the first, hmmmm . . . 50 times she sneezed in one morning!! So, I took advice from Nancy Thomas and told Ruthie this week, after an entire day of clearing her throat--kind of a grunting sound--that she could have special time to practice her "hobby" in her room and I would set the timer. Well, after the 15 minutes was up, she was allowed to join us while I read books to the children. After 10 minutes, she started grunting again, totally testing. I sent her back to "practice" some more. She started to cry. I asked her why she was crying if she liked making the noise so much?! I was only being nice and giving her what she wanted to make her happy--extra time to make her favorite noise. I told her she could let me know every time she wanted to "practice" by making the noise. Guess what? Noise gone. It literally has ended. I never threatened, yelled, told her to stop, etc. I just took control away by giving her permission to make her sound. If the child thinks you like the sound, that you want them to do it, are giving them permission to do it, it will stop. The whole point is to make you angry, to push you away, so that you will not love them.
I don't share these things to mock Ruthie or put her negative behavior on display. First of all, there are many examples that I won't share. Secondly, I have received SO many comments and emails from parents who are also struggling and my desire is to help those who are desperate like we were. Third, I truly believe that these behaviors are NOT the real Ruthie, but just symptoms of RAD that will go away as she heals. I think these examples are not unique, but ones thousands of adopted children do on a daily basis, and another adoptive mom could just change the name to her child's. When Ruthie feels safe, trusts us, and attaches to us, the REAL Ruthie will come out--the one we are beginning to see glimpses of. The bizarre behavior will be gone and these examples will no longer be part of her. Honestly, as I have said before, adoption is SO hard, but it is worth it. We are growing closer to God as we go through this, and that makes it worth it!
I would LOVE to talk to any parents who are struggling, who need help. I am SO glad another adoptive mother helped me, and continues to help me. I call her weekly and email her daily, and sometimes hourly!!, for advice. She has been such a blessing and I would love to talk to others who are struggling. I am busy with my own crew of children, but I will do my best to find time to help. Please email me if you have questions . . .
In Christ, Laura
Friday, April 3, 2009
On a Lighter Note . . .
I have been blogging about weighty issues lately. It just reflects what we have been going through these past few weeks. Although it has not all been difficult, there have been moments, many many moments, in which all I can do is cry out to God for wisdom, for peace, patience, kindness, and most of all love.
Today is going to be a beautiful day. It always refreshes me after a week of clouds and showers, to see the blue sky, the warm sun, and see that spring has literally exploded here in the past few weeks. All of the trees have their leaves, our garden is growing, and my flowers are in full bloom. All my heart can do is praise God today.
Psalm 84 refreshed me today and as I read about the sparrow and the song bird making her home for her and her young near the altar of God, I realize that this is what I want to do, what I must do. I must gather my young around me and go "dwell" beside God's altar where I can continually offer to Him a sacrifice of praise, the fruit of lips that confess His name.
There has been so much to pray about this week going on in the lives of friends: One good friend's newborn nephew was born with a hole in his heart and after surgery, and an initial praise report, now needs prayer as things have gotten more critical with his health. Another friend lost her baby before his time to be born. My heart breaks for these mothers. One friend is struggling with attachment issues in her biological son. Another, with RAD in her adopted son. My brother and his family just moved to a new state to start a new life. So much is going on in the lives of others that it sometimes feels kind of selfish to be so absorbed in my own issues.
So, I am reminded to persevere in our trial, but to also be mindful of others. The rain kept us inside and kept me focused on what was going on inside these walls for a time. However, the warm weather is drawing me out, reminding me that there is a whole world out there full of hurting people. Yet God knows what is on each and every heart, and even when I have been so wrapped up in "my own world", He has been wrapped up in HIS world! What a faithful God we serve.
In Christ, Laura
Today is going to be a beautiful day. It always refreshes me after a week of clouds and showers, to see the blue sky, the warm sun, and see that spring has literally exploded here in the past few weeks. All of the trees have their leaves, our garden is growing, and my flowers are in full bloom. All my heart can do is praise God today.
Psalm 84 refreshed me today and as I read about the sparrow and the song bird making her home for her and her young near the altar of God, I realize that this is what I want to do, what I must do. I must gather my young around me and go "dwell" beside God's altar where I can continually offer to Him a sacrifice of praise, the fruit of lips that confess His name.
There has been so much to pray about this week going on in the lives of friends: One good friend's newborn nephew was born with a hole in his heart and after surgery, and an initial praise report, now needs prayer as things have gotten more critical with his health. Another friend lost her baby before his time to be born. My heart breaks for these mothers. One friend is struggling with attachment issues in her biological son. Another, with RAD in her adopted son. My brother and his family just moved to a new state to start a new life. So much is going on in the lives of others that it sometimes feels kind of selfish to be so absorbed in my own issues.
So, I am reminded to persevere in our trial, but to also be mindful of others. The rain kept us inside and kept me focused on what was going on inside these walls for a time. However, the warm weather is drawing me out, reminding me that there is a whole world out there full of hurting people. Yet God knows what is on each and every heart, and even when I have been so wrapped up in "my own world", He has been wrapped up in HIS world! What a faithful God we serve.
In Christ, Laura
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Adoption and Food Issues
I was asked in a comment what we do about food issues. I know that this may not be an "adoption issue" for everyone if your child(ren) did not grow up deprived of adequate nutrition, but it is a HUGE issue in Liberia, and most African countries. However, I believe that food can be an issue of "control", a battle, for many adopted children, regardless of their food intake in the early years. Food is a huge issue because it is one of the most basic fundamental needs. Many children "attach" to food instead of a caregiver. Some children hoard food, gorge on food, crave it, and are never satiated. Others become picky eaters. I believe that food is one of the easiest battles for control for an adopted child to fight because you cannot MAKE them eat. They know it.
We have struggled with food issues, but they have gotten MUCH better. Ruthie would eat until she threw up if I let her, especially in the beginning. Indeed, her appetite is bigger than mine and rivals Cameron's. For sure, she had a lot of "catching-up" to do growth-wise and we recognized this. However, we also see the temptation for food to become an idol for an adopted child who was deprived of it for so long. First and foremost: We control the food in our house. It is not difficult to do because all of our children are young. I make all the meals and I decide if and when we have a snack. My children are not allowed to go get a snack whenever the fancy hits them.
Portions: Ruthie is allowed to have seconds, but her second portion has to be at least half as much as her first. Our pediatrician made this recommendation to us after I told her that my adopted children (at the time) were eating three helpings and still asking for more! She said that it is either "feast or famine" with nutritionally-deprived children. Many become obese eventually if their appetites are not controlled. Many people will not understand this. They see a child asking for more and hear you say "no" and wonder "why not? That child is hungry! Let him/her eat!" But is it about appetite or something different? Isn't food a clear example of an attachment issue? I have talked to so many parents whose adopted children struggle with food issues and the parents admit to feeling rejected BECAUSE of the child's love and desire for food. The food is foremost in the child's affections. There is an attachment and almost a top place in the child's affections in which the parent is not allowed access. It stings. I personally do not think that an adopted child should make their own food decisions UNTIL they attach. I also think that UNTIL they attach, NOBODY should be feeding that child but the parents. Food should come from you--the child should associate the receiving of that beloved substance from the one to whom they will, hopefully, eventually attach. I know there are exceptions--babysitters, etc. But, primarily, the child should know WHO to go to to get their basic and fundamental needs met. Thus, food is an issue of trust and can serve either as a vehicle or a hindrance to attachment.
Now . . . about holding food in the mouth . . . ah yes, we have had THAT issue, too. Ours is breakfast. We began to notice a pattern in Ruthie, that she would devour dinner ravenously (we had to train her to s-l-o-w down) and then pick at breakfast, pouting. She would hold food in her mouth and take FOREVER to finish. It became a battle and the more we fought it . . . "Ruthie, eat!" or "Ruthie, you may not leave the table until you are finished," the worse it got. So, we got "wise" about this game and how it was played. We now simply say, "Oh, Ruthie, I see that you are not hungry. Okay. Why don't you go play? You don't have to eat it if you don't like it." We say this sweetly with a smile. Then we take the food away and tell her to "go play". No anger, no punishment, no battle. We know she is hungry. We know she likes food. But, it is not about the food, it is about control. It is about the battle. As the parent, you take the battle away and you win.
Then, you have two choices: One of my friends gives her daughter just a little bit--maybe 2 Tablespoons of oatmeal. The daughter doesn't even finish that minuscule amount. She just knows that her daughter will eat a hearty lunch because she will be hungry. Battle done. She won because she didn't ENGAGE in the battle. It is almost as if the BATTLE itself is what the adopted child craves, not winning it. You have "won" if you simply refuse to battle, I am learning.
What we choose to do: We tell Ruthie to go play (again, sweetly, with a smile, a touch on her shoulder to show her physical affection and to demonstrate our acceptance of her regardless of what she did). Then, at lunch time, she gets her breakfast. We used to let her have what we were having for lunch after she finished. However, we found that this actually made the problem worse. So now, she gets her breakfast for lunch and that's it. We just tell her that "the rule in our house is . . . " and pin the blame on that "rule" and not her and not us. She has never refused to eat the breakfast twice. But, if she did, we would again smile sweetly and tell her to go play. Eventually, she will be hungry enough. So, in a way you are battling I guess, but not in hand-to-hand combat, but more of a "sneak attack". Again, is the battle REALLY about food or about making you angry and upset? If you show any negative emotion the child "got you". Ruthie also CHOOSES to miss snack time in the morning if we have a snack. We don't give ANY of our children a snack if they waste their breakfast. I very clearly remind them that I am not withholding food, THEY chose to break a rule and fore-go their snack.
If your child comes to you later and says, "I'm hungry," do not say in exasperation, "Well you did it! You didn't eat! Next time eat and you won't be hungry!" Clearly, they know this. However, they may still think YOU did this to them. Instead, I would empathize with them, again with a smile, an arm around them, kneeling down and saying sweetly, "Oh, I am SO sorry you are hungry. I would be, too, if I CHOSE to not eat my breakfast. I feel so bad for you. That must be so hard! If it were ME, I would have eaten my brekfast". No condemnation, no anger--just sympathy, kindess and love. In addition, you are pointing out that THEY made that choice. Show them that you are on THEIR side, NOT against them.
Ruthie seldom battles us on breakfast anymore. She used to do it with dinner in the very beginning. However, we began to notice that she battled us on Sundays when she knew that we were going to "fellowship" group where there was LOTS to eat. So, we told her if she did not eat we would bring dinner for her to fellowship group. Then, when everyone else enjoyed their fruit, brownies and chicken wings, she got her dinner re-heated. If she didn't want to eat it, fine. This happened twice, and then never again.
The food battle diminishes with time when they see you will not give in. Ruthie will occasionally battle us on Sunday mornings still and we think that has to do with a change in our breakfast routine: we are rushing through breakfast to get ready to leave. We tend not to "talk" too much about the food issue because the child will battle more if they know it bugs you. If they see you smiling and almost telling them, "I don't care if you don't want to eat it. Go play!" they will lose interest in this battle. This has just been my experience with one adopted child . . .
Now, just to be fair . . . I know Ruthie prefers scrambled eggs to oatmeal and pancakes to cream of wheat, so I make sure to make her preferences for breakfast, too, and not "punish" her for the things she does not like. However, she does not get to have something else if she does not like what we are having. We have always done this with ALL of our children and I don't have ONE picky eater in the bunch. I simply remind them that first and foremost food is for nutrition and if we happen to enjoy the taste: BONUS! My children AMAZE me with what they will eat: beans, lentils, spinach, salad, broccoli, etc. etc.--things I would have turned my nose up at as a child.
We have learned with food issues to not fight the battle, to TAKE the battle away and it has worked because, again, it is not about "food" but YOU, as the person they are not wanting to attach to. The food you made, you served is an extention of YOU, the person they are battling. In addition to this, we also tell Ruthie that if she is going to pout, she will not be allowed to stay at the table because meal time is a time for fellowship and it is not a blessing for others to have to experience someone's bad attitude. It is her choice. We no longer say "stop pouting" because then the battle is on! We tell her that, "It's okay if you want to pout, but could you please go somewhere else to do it?. It doesn't bother us if you want to pout ALL DAY, but you are going to have to do it in your room because it is not a blessing for us to sit with you while you are so unpleasant. We will sure miss you because we LOVE to have you at the table with us and it makes us SO sad when you choose not to eat with us," as we smile and have our arm around her.
Ultimately food is one of the most common battles for adopted children. You win if you DON'T battle (you CAN battle them and you CAN win if you make them sit there for hours and hours, but that isn't pleasant for anyone and meal time becomes a painful affair! And for what purpose? To drive them further away from you?). This is about attaching, winning their hearts and they are fighting you not about food (though they may sincerely not like the food), but to not give up their wounded heart. We must NOT allow ourselves to become the enemy, but the person they run to! I really and truly believe that you are NOT letting them "walk all over you" if you are letting them off "Scott-free" by not making them eat their food, do their chore, etc. The child does not even accept you as their authority figure, so why SHOULD they obey YOU? Win their heart, their affection, and their attachment and then go to bat for that obedience. Chances are, many of the issues will resolve themselves when true attachment happens.
In Christ, Laura
We have struggled with food issues, but they have gotten MUCH better. Ruthie would eat until she threw up if I let her, especially in the beginning. Indeed, her appetite is bigger than mine and rivals Cameron's. For sure, she had a lot of "catching-up" to do growth-wise and we recognized this. However, we also see the temptation for food to become an idol for an adopted child who was deprived of it for so long. First and foremost: We control the food in our house. It is not difficult to do because all of our children are young. I make all the meals and I decide if and when we have a snack. My children are not allowed to go get a snack whenever the fancy hits them.
Portions: Ruthie is allowed to have seconds, but her second portion has to be at least half as much as her first. Our pediatrician made this recommendation to us after I told her that my adopted children (at the time) were eating three helpings and still asking for more! She said that it is either "feast or famine" with nutritionally-deprived children. Many become obese eventually if their appetites are not controlled. Many people will not understand this. They see a child asking for more and hear you say "no" and wonder "why not? That child is hungry! Let him/her eat!" But is it about appetite or something different? Isn't food a clear example of an attachment issue? I have talked to so many parents whose adopted children struggle with food issues and the parents admit to feeling rejected BECAUSE of the child's love and desire for food. The food is foremost in the child's affections. There is an attachment and almost a top place in the child's affections in which the parent is not allowed access. It stings. I personally do not think that an adopted child should make their own food decisions UNTIL they attach. I also think that UNTIL they attach, NOBODY should be feeding that child but the parents. Food should come from you--the child should associate the receiving of that beloved substance from the one to whom they will, hopefully, eventually attach. I know there are exceptions--babysitters, etc. But, primarily, the child should know WHO to go to to get their basic and fundamental needs met. Thus, food is an issue of trust and can serve either as a vehicle or a hindrance to attachment.
Now . . . about holding food in the mouth . . . ah yes, we have had THAT issue, too. Ours is breakfast. We began to notice a pattern in Ruthie, that she would devour dinner ravenously (we had to train her to s-l-o-w down) and then pick at breakfast, pouting. She would hold food in her mouth and take FOREVER to finish. It became a battle and the more we fought it . . . "Ruthie, eat!" or "Ruthie, you may not leave the table until you are finished," the worse it got. So, we got "wise" about this game and how it was played. We now simply say, "Oh, Ruthie, I see that you are not hungry. Okay. Why don't you go play? You don't have to eat it if you don't like it." We say this sweetly with a smile. Then we take the food away and tell her to "go play". No anger, no punishment, no battle. We know she is hungry. We know she likes food. But, it is not about the food, it is about control. It is about the battle. As the parent, you take the battle away and you win.
Then, you have two choices: One of my friends gives her daughter just a little bit--maybe 2 Tablespoons of oatmeal. The daughter doesn't even finish that minuscule amount. She just knows that her daughter will eat a hearty lunch because she will be hungry. Battle done. She won because she didn't ENGAGE in the battle. It is almost as if the BATTLE itself is what the adopted child craves, not winning it. You have "won" if you simply refuse to battle, I am learning.
What we choose to do: We tell Ruthie to go play (again, sweetly, with a smile, a touch on her shoulder to show her physical affection and to demonstrate our acceptance of her regardless of what she did). Then, at lunch time, she gets her breakfast. We used to let her have what we were having for lunch after she finished. However, we found that this actually made the problem worse. So now, she gets her breakfast for lunch and that's it. We just tell her that "the rule in our house is . . . " and pin the blame on that "rule" and not her and not us. She has never refused to eat the breakfast twice. But, if she did, we would again smile sweetly and tell her to go play. Eventually, she will be hungry enough. So, in a way you are battling I guess, but not in hand-to-hand combat, but more of a "sneak attack". Again, is the battle REALLY about food or about making you angry and upset? If you show any negative emotion the child "got you". Ruthie also CHOOSES to miss snack time in the morning if we have a snack. We don't give ANY of our children a snack if they waste their breakfast. I very clearly remind them that I am not withholding food, THEY chose to break a rule and fore-go their snack.
If your child comes to you later and says, "I'm hungry," do not say in exasperation, "Well you did it! You didn't eat! Next time eat and you won't be hungry!" Clearly, they know this. However, they may still think YOU did this to them. Instead, I would empathize with them, again with a smile, an arm around them, kneeling down and saying sweetly, "Oh, I am SO sorry you are hungry. I would be, too, if I CHOSE to not eat my breakfast. I feel so bad for you. That must be so hard! If it were ME, I would have eaten my brekfast". No condemnation, no anger--just sympathy, kindess and love. In addition, you are pointing out that THEY made that choice. Show them that you are on THEIR side, NOT against them.
Ruthie seldom battles us on breakfast anymore. She used to do it with dinner in the very beginning. However, we began to notice that she battled us on Sundays when she knew that we were going to "fellowship" group where there was LOTS to eat. So, we told her if she did not eat we would bring dinner for her to fellowship group. Then, when everyone else enjoyed their fruit, brownies and chicken wings, she got her dinner re-heated. If she didn't want to eat it, fine. This happened twice, and then never again.
The food battle diminishes with time when they see you will not give in. Ruthie will occasionally battle us on Sunday mornings still and we think that has to do with a change in our breakfast routine: we are rushing through breakfast to get ready to leave. We tend not to "talk" too much about the food issue because the child will battle more if they know it bugs you. If they see you smiling and almost telling them, "I don't care if you don't want to eat it. Go play!" they will lose interest in this battle. This has just been my experience with one adopted child . . .
Now, just to be fair . . . I know Ruthie prefers scrambled eggs to oatmeal and pancakes to cream of wheat, so I make sure to make her preferences for breakfast, too, and not "punish" her for the things she does not like. However, she does not get to have something else if she does not like what we are having. We have always done this with ALL of our children and I don't have ONE picky eater in the bunch. I simply remind them that first and foremost food is for nutrition and if we happen to enjoy the taste: BONUS! My children AMAZE me with what they will eat: beans, lentils, spinach, salad, broccoli, etc. etc.--things I would have turned my nose up at as a child.
We have learned with food issues to not fight the battle, to TAKE the battle away and it has worked because, again, it is not about "food" but YOU, as the person they are not wanting to attach to. The food you made, you served is an extention of YOU, the person they are battling. In addition to this, we also tell Ruthie that if she is going to pout, she will not be allowed to stay at the table because meal time is a time for fellowship and it is not a blessing for others to have to experience someone's bad attitude. It is her choice. We no longer say "stop pouting" because then the battle is on! We tell her that, "It's okay if you want to pout, but could you please go somewhere else to do it?. It doesn't bother us if you want to pout ALL DAY, but you are going to have to do it in your room because it is not a blessing for us to sit with you while you are so unpleasant. We will sure miss you because we LOVE to have you at the table with us and it makes us SO sad when you choose not to eat with us," as we smile and have our arm around her.
Ultimately food is one of the most common battles for adopted children. You win if you DON'T battle (you CAN battle them and you CAN win if you make them sit there for hours and hours, but that isn't pleasant for anyone and meal time becomes a painful affair! And for what purpose? To drive them further away from you?). This is about attaching, winning their hearts and they are fighting you not about food (though they may sincerely not like the food), but to not give up their wounded heart. We must NOT allow ourselves to become the enemy, but the person they run to! I really and truly believe that you are NOT letting them "walk all over you" if you are letting them off "Scott-free" by not making them eat their food, do their chore, etc. The child does not even accept you as their authority figure, so why SHOULD they obey YOU? Win their heart, their affection, and their attachment and then go to bat for that obedience. Chances are, many of the issues will resolve themselves when true attachment happens.
In Christ, Laura
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