Progress

We had a great day today with Ruthie! Courtney told me that once we had a breakthrough, as we did last week, that we would probably see one step forward, two steps back, and not to become discouraged. She also told us that we would probably start to see more and more good days, followed by hard days, followed by good days, etc. with a continuing upward, positive trend. Well, yesterday morning was HARD but Ruthie turned her day around at lunch time and went on to have a great day yesterday! She also had a great day today. When I say "great day" I don't mean a day like before in which we just kind of co-existed. No, today felt "normal" in terms of the parent-child relationship. Ruthie was obedient, happy and playful. She was full of smiles and did not once play any games to try to battle for control. She seemed like a "normal" child! It gave me such joy. I know that Ruthie is going to continue to struggle, and even tomorrow may be difficult, but I have hope now that this little girl is attaching and that I am attaching to her.

That is the most amazing thing that has happened through this process: I am genuinely attaching to Ruthie!

I used to feel such anger when I knew Ruthie was lying to me. The anger is gone. Parenting in this way, by taking control away, gave me control back and dissipated my anger. Who enjoys being lied to? Who doesn't take it personally? It is so difficult when it is literally all day long. No amount of lecturing on why lying is wrong helped. There were times when I would be sitting 2 feet from her and see her do something and I would say in shock, "Did you just do 'such-and-such'?" and she would flat-out tell me "No, I didn't do 'that'," and I would say "Yes you did. I saw you," and she would deny it again and my blood would boil. Why engage in that battle? Why do I NEED a confession so badly? I think it is because I wanted her to GIVE me control of her own accord. That was never going to happen. I have learned that I have to TAKE control--and that is very uncomfortable. However, engaging in a battle will always lead to anger--at least it did for me. It did nothing to foster attachment, for either of us.

I loved Ruthie before, but now it is different. It is no longer custodial love, but a deep love, a love that makes me reach for her, smell her hair and enjoy her silliness. I have been through the battle with her and half the battle was about me fighting my own sin, my own anger-it was MY battle to attach, just as much as hers. You can't go through that and NOT change. I fought MYSELF to attach. I had to ask myself, "Do I REALLY want to go through all this with her? Is she worth it to me?" YES! She is worth it. You know it in your head: that every child is worth it. But now, I KNOW it in my heart. It is a different kind of love that is growing. This love would not exist if we had not battled these past 6 weeks. I battled her for control and I battled myself. I battled fears that nothing would ever change, I battled anger, I battled weariness, despair and I cried out to God--literally all the time. Sometimes I would just say, "God help me right now to know what to do." He is so faithful. He did not want us to remain in the stagnant relationship we were in: Me meeting her basic needs, her showing up and not really engaging. He wanted us to be SO bonded it was like I gave birth to her. Now, I am not quite to THAT point yet, but I KNOW it will come.

There is hope in every adoptive situation. Sometimes that hope is in the child finding a new "forever family", as was the case with Jerome. God's hand was ALL OVER that situation. But more often, the hope is that the child WILL attach, WILL heal, and WILL become part of you, not just a "member" of the family. God does not call us to adopt and then leave us to struggle. However, He WILL use that struggle to change us, sanctify us, make us more like Him.

Most of us adopt because we believe in the romance of adoption. We think that we are doing a good thing, caring for the orphans, and God will surely bless it. And then, when we get that child home and it isn't "lovey-dovey" feelings we think we maybe made a mistake, we didn't hear God's voice, it shouldn't be this hard! I thought the fight was in getting my child home! You mean there is MORE to this trial? Where are the feelings!? We think if God were in it, it should be EASY. God SURELY wouldn't call someone like ME to adopt who is struggling so much to attach? What is WRONG with me?, we think. But, don't you think that is PRECISELY WHY He called you (and me)? For this fight! The fight to attach makes us sure that our hearts are REALLY in this, and that we really mean it.

We often wonder why our adoptive children test our love again and again. Can't they see we love them? Don't they know how much we have done for them? But, maybe THEY see what WE can't see in ourselves at first. Maybe they are RIGHT in testing our love and putting it through the refiner's fire to make sure it is genuine. Maybe they see into our hearts better than we do. Can we really fake it and convince them we mean it? If we are really honest with ourselves do you really BLAME them? Do we really mean it, truly? Of what quality IS our love? Adoption, at least for me, has made me see what I am really made of. Maybe I am being too honest . . .

During hard days, we need to THANK God for these trials! Thank Him everyday for this child who is difficult to love. Thank Him that He is using adoption to change us, to not let us remain in our sin. Thank Him that He IS going to do a great work in this child and in us! God is in this! I see it now! I see Him at work in Ruthie, and I FEEL Him at work in me!

Boy, did I have a lot to learn about God's love, about sacrifice, about denying myself, about killing my flesh. I am reminded AGAIN that adoption is SUCH a blessing! We have been through SO MUCH, but I am beginning to believe that those who choose not to adopt are missing out--For sure on great trials, but even more so on RICH blessings.