Our First Good Day

Ruthie had a good day today. This is our first good day since we have began to parent Ruthie in light of our understanding of her attachment "issues". Someone asked if I praised her for her positive behavior today. Great question. Actually, I did not really comment on it, with good reason. First, I know that she will probably "circle back" and revert back to old behaviors again and I know that in the past any type of praise has caused Ruthie to literally STOP her good behavior. However, here is what I DID do: I pointed out to Ruthie how happy she was today. I smiled at her, thanked her, hugged her, told her how much I loved her every chance I got, and parented her as I would any other "normal" child. She did what was EXPECTED of her, and although for her this is HUGE, I know and SHE knows that her behavior today was not extraordinary, but finally meeting expectations. Also, this has not really been about behavior, but about surrender of control and surrender of her heart. So, I encouraged Ruthie, but was not excessive or lavish in my praise. I know that she "gets it". The VERY FIRST thing she said to Cameron when he walked in the door from work tonight was "Daddy, I obeyed mommy today!", with a HUGE smile on her face--AND smiling eyes!! I never even mentioned the word obedience. She knew. She understands the "game" that she has been playing and she recognized that today she played by my rules. That one phrase she uttered to Cameron said SO much: It wasn't just that she obeyed, it was that she accepted me as her mommy. That's what she was saying! She was saying, "I obeyed. Do you know what that means? I did not push mommy away. I love her, she is MY mommy."

Ruthie was SO happy today--the change was DRASTIC. She literally bounced through today brimming with joy, so light, so free. Yes, we had a few incidents of testing-but they were so minor. Usually, when she tests me and I confront Ruthie and take control away she immediately tries again. Today, it did not even phase her or deflate her good mood.

This little girl, whom we used to describe as a shell of a person, empty, devoid of personality, was full of life today. A change is taking place. What did we do? We loved Ruthie everyday all day until the point of exhaustion. There were times that I was so angry on the inside and I wanted to show it, but I smiled and told her that her behavior did not bother me and would not make me stop loving her. I told her that the more she lied, the more I loved her because she was showing me she needed me and that made me feel SO good. I took control away over and over and over calmly and happily. I vented a lot to Cameron, my in-laws, my adoptive friends. And, I prayed like CRAZY.

Today, Ruthie came and found me and told me that she prayed for her "black ma" for the first time. She also said that she forgave her. She then told me that she asked Jesus into her heart. I said, "But Ruthie, you prayed with me to ask Jesus in your heart already. Don't you remember?" She looked down at the floor and shook her head--the meaning was clear: it had been an act. I asked her, "So today you meant it?" and she said yes and that she was SO happy.

God did this, not me. I just surrendered to Him. I told Him that I couldn't do this anymore and He would have to take control. He did, but He showed me that I was unloving, I was angry, I was proud, I was part of the problem. I didn't want to see that. Do you know how much sacrifice it was for me to love this child who pushed me away? I can't even begin to tell you how hard it was. But, God did something in my heart. Ruthie is not the only one changed here. I have changed. Ruthie is not the only one who needed to attach. I needed to attach. I think I had RAD, too! But, I had to be the one to change first. This has been one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. I know we aren't done. But, now I know that there is hope. Now I know the power of love. Now I know that the gospel in action works. This trial has been so difficult, but it has been worth it. I am glad that I am not who I was even 2 months ago and for that I praise God for this trial. Even if Ruthie had never changed, I still would have changed and that makes adopting a child with RAD such an incredible blessing.

In Christ, Laura