More Thoughts . . .

I know I sound like a broken record lately, blogging only about attachment issues, but this is what we are going through right now, hence this is what I need to process.

We are having a "fearful" day today. One adoptive mom of many Liberians explained that it is really helpful to not label our adoptive children's behavior, or them for that matter, negatively. So, for example, Cameron will call from work and ask, "Are we having a fearful day today?" When we discuss Ruthie (whom we re-named Abbie, but I am waiting on Cameron's post to explain the process behind that) we try to frame her behavior positively instead of negatively. We have found that saying she is lying, manipulating, playing games, being "bad" just serves to make us angry or causes us to despair that things will never get better and that is just not true! It can often be a downward spiral when we use negative language and we can both suck each other into seeing her as the enemy instead of seeing her as the treasure we are trying to rescue FROM the enemy.

I am also learning that when Abbie (I am going to use her new name now) has lied to me, decided not to do her chore, her school, not put away things on purpose, etc. I do not really want her to apologize to me. I may be wrong on this one, but hear me out. I do not require her to apologize to me. Often, when I am telling her I know she is doing something wrong on purpose and that I don't want to MAKE her do anything she does not want to, so go play, she will look at me an apologize--in a very monotone voice. I smile and tell her that she does not need to apologize to me--she did not "hurt" me, she hurt herself. I let her know that she does not need to apologize because her behavior does not bother me. I DO tell her that she has sinned and should pray to the Lord and ask for forgiveness--that HE is the person she has wronged. This may ALL change in the future, but right now, I see her apologies as her way to control me and to show me that she thinks her behavior bothers me. I DO make her apologize to others she has wronged, however--including Cameron (when I have caught her--not him), siblings, grandparents, and even the speech therapist. I DO want her to see that she is responsible for her actions, but at this point, since I am the main target, I am trying to show her that ultimately she is hurting herself more than me. I think she lies to other people to bother me anyways. These are just my thoughts . . .

Even a good day, like yesterday, is sprinkled with fearful acts. They do not seem to be a big deal anymore. After doing this for a couple weeks, most of this behavior does not "get" to me anymore. I used to feel controlled and now that I am in control I am much more relaxed with dealing with the things Abbie does.

Abbie is also getting much better about snapping out of a "mood". Before, nothing would pull her out. One lie would lead to another act of disobedience to another, all day with no way to "rescue" her. Now, I can pull her out by loving her--giving her the treat she did not earn (but letting her know she didn't earn it, but that I love her and want her to have it). Courtney really emphasized the importance of grace, and unconditional rewards, in the midst of taking control away. The day I took "something" huge away from Abbie, and she threw the big fit in which she confessed she hated her "black ma", I took her out for a milkshake "just because".

Alright, I think my baby is up and we are heading to the post office and library . . .

Persevering in Christ,

Laura