A Breakthrough!

Thank you for all your helpful comments, emails, and prayers. Yesterday was a really really hard day. I felt like I was up against a wall and at my breaking point with Ruthie's behavior. I talked to my mother-in-law about how frustrated I was and then I prayed and it became clear what I had to do. With children with RAD, it can be so difficult to get to their heart because they have it locked so tightly away. They will not let you penetrate these walls, and it feels like you are literally busting through. Each act of kindness and each act of love crumbles the walls more and more, but it can be so frustrating because you don't really see that it is making a difference. Sometimes, control has to be taken away in drastic ways. This is what I had to do yesterday. It became clear to me and I called a friend and she prayed with me. Her prayer gave me such peace, such confidence in the decision I was making (not really important what it was, just that it was an issue that had been a battle and I needed to take control away). I went and told Ruthie what was going to happen and she began to cry and scream, kicking her little legs and yelling at me. She told me that I hated her, that she hated me, and that she did not love me. I felt peace. I did not even waver in my decision for a moment. I held her and reassured her that I loved her and did not hate her and that she was not angry at what I was taking away because she had made it clear, every single day, that she did not care by her actions. I asked her what she was really mad about and she started to yell that she was angry at her "black ma" for leaving her in Africa. The sobbing came and I just held her and let her cry. She told me she did not want me to love her, she did not want anyone to love her and did not want any mommy. She said she could take care of herself. It broke my heart, but it had to come out. This was the source of all the rage that came out in passive-aggressive ways every hour of every day.

Ruthie exhausted herself to the point of falling asleep. I woke her up and she was calm and the battle was gone. She seemed at peace. I took her, Anna, Katria and Elyse out for a milkshake and to run some errands (Ruthie's favorite thing). A change had come over her--an acceptance, a tenderness, peace. It was amazing to see the change. At the advice of a friend, I talked to Ruthie a little more about her "black ma" and assured her that it was okay to be mad at her, and to hate her right now for what happened to her. But, I told her that one day, when she was ready, she would need to forgive her ma. I also told her that it was okay to love her "black ma" and to love me, too. I also told her that I loved her "black ma" and she looked at me with such shock. I told her I loved her "black ma" because she gave Ruthie to me and that was the most wonderful thing.

Ruthie had a good day for its remainder. Cameron asked me last night what I thought "tomorrow" would hold for her and I and I honestly told him I thought it would be awful. Usually each good day is followed by a bad one, every breakthrough is followed by even more difficult challenges.

However, Ruthie came upstairs this morning for the FIRST time EVER smiling. She is like a new kid today. I mean, she has done everything cheerfully and obediently and pointed out each thing to me with a genuine smile on her face, confirming that she is not "forgetting" usually, but doing things on purpose. She has a skip in her step, a lightness in her spirit. I am so happy, but I am on egg shells, wondering if this is going to last. I don't know what to think. I DO know that we are making progress. God is going to bless this. He has so far. He will not leave Ruthie to suffer in her pain of being abandoned and fear of being rejected. He loves her and He IS healing her. I am so blessed that God chose me to be a part of this, to witness this transformation in this child's heart.

Please continue to pray for us. This can be a roller coaster of emotions. I don't WANT to be on my guard, but I know that I cannot just assume that things are going to be great now that Ruthie let out her darkest, well-kept secret. I knew what was at the core of her anger, but her verbalizing it is a huge release for her. It didn't matter how many times I told her I knew what was wrong, she had to confess it.

I am off to start my day (Ruthie asked ME to do school today!!!!)

In Christ, Laura