Progress and Some More Thoughts on Adoption

Today, I had a MAJOR step forward with Ruthie, a breakthrough! It was so exciting for me to realize that she is really attaching to me, really loving me, more than just as a caregiver, but as her mommy.

This morning, as I changed Haven's diaper, I was explaining to Elyse, Katria and Ruth that tomorrow Cameron and I are going to a graduation dinner for this year's graduating residents. I explained who their babysitter was going to be, what time I would be leaving and when I would return. Ruthie said "I don't want you to leave," and teared up. She then started to really cry and threw her arms around me. I comforted her and explained that I loved her and that I would be coming home, and that this dinner is important and I have to go. Inside, I was happy that she was sad! It was not that I was happy in a sadistic, mean way, but I was happy because I saw that she loves me and prefers me! In the past, Ruthie has been indiscriminate in her affection. She would let anyone hold her, comfort her, and touch her--family, friends, strangers--it didn't matter who. We have had to enforce, and still have, a no-touch policy for Ruthie--just handshakes--so that she can learn what a family is, who a mommy and daddy are and what our role is, and how it differs from that of others outside of our immediate family. It has felt cruel to tell her that she can't give hugs, climb in people's laps, hold other's hands, but I know that it is what is best for her. Today, I was rewarded with a sign that I am more important to her than any other. I so want to not go tomorrow and stay with her, but I also know that going and coming back reinforces her trust for me. I have noticed lately Ruthie's personality really blossoming. Just when I think I know her and who she is, she surprises me by opening up more and showing me more of who she is. I am sure it is going to be like that for a long time as I discover new things about both Jerome and Ruth.

I have recently asked myself if I would do this all again if I knew ahead of time what adoption was going to be like. The answer: Yes. I would do it all again. Even knowing my sinful emotions, the difficult behavior, the tantrums, the struggles we have had. However, there have also been times when the answer would have been no, I would not do this if I foreknew what it would entail. These times have coincided with Jerome's tantruming. There have been times when I have thought that life was so difficult that we surely made a mistake and that I was not cut out for this role as an adoptive parent. I have asked myself "Why did God choose ME for this? Isn't there someone better equipped?". This brings to mind a quote I read recently on a friend's missionary update letter. She wrote that God doesn't call the equipped, he equips those He calls. Isn't that the truth? Praise God that He doesn't call us to do something and then leave us to figure it out alone. Life is not a test with God as the schoolmaster grading our efforts. He is with me every step of the way on this journey of sanctification, helping me, and adoption is one of the means He is using for the purpose of producing greater holiness in me. It is all for His glory! " . . . He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6). Trials and struggles aren't an indicator that something is wrong, that something is messed up in the plan--no, trials are often the very tools God uses to fulfill his purposes. The very things that we view as life's interruptions (children bickering, traffic jams, difficult relationships) are actually all part of God's plan for us! Man, how I wish I saw everything like this!

Lately, it no longer feels like we are in survival mode, but that we are really thriving and bonding as a family unit. Interestingly, I think what makes my life so easy most of the time is the same thing that has also made it so difficult: Jerome! Honestly, he is my biggest helper, so willing to lend a hand, so thoroughly responsible. The room he shares with Jonas is always spotless. I never have to tell him to put his dirty laundry away, fold his clothes, make his bed, do his chore. I never have to tell him more than once to stop talking and go to sleep. He is also so good with his little sisters and never loses his patience with them. He is the only one Elyse allows to help her. She wants to hold his hand in the parking lot; she wants him to carry her. He is so patient with her (she requires a lot of patience!). He (most of the time) accepts correction and follows the rules. When he knows I am depending on him for something, he follows through. For example, today, I had to take Ruthie to the doctor and I needed him to occupy Elyse and Katria while the doctor and I held Ruth down to drain a cyst (she is having surgery next Monday) and he obediently complied with a "Yes M'am".

Then there are the times Jerome is my most difficult child, out of control tantruming and yelling. These are the times when I want to doubt God, doubt this adoption. However, those times are quickly diminishing. The time between tantrums is becoming greater and greater. So many behaviors that I once thought would never end are gone. These include pretending to be hurt for attention and pouting. It has only been 6 months and we have seen such marked improvement that I have hope that in another 6 months things will only continue to become smoother.

The meaning of adoption is so significant that when I take a step back, outside of my daily life with its struggles, and meditate on it, I know that I would do it again in a second, even with all the trials. The triumphs are beginning to outshine those trials. Maybe, one day, we will even adopt again. Like I have said before, it is hard, but it is so worth it. I still believe in the "romantic" side of adoption--saving a child who otherwise would have no hope, no future, and no family to love and care for them. I am not cynical, nor am I jaded by all that we have been through. Actually, I have an even stronger belief now in adoption and that it truly is God's heart. My prayer is that more and more Chsistians will take that leap of faith and adopt.

In Christ, Laura