Adopting Older Children

I am going to attempt to write about a subject that may be considered to be controversial by some. It is about love and our older adopted children. Let me start by saying that all of our experiences are different, every adopted child and parent is different, every adoptive situation unique. However, most of the adoptive parents I have spoken with have admitted that love does not always come initially, or naturally, for their adoptive child. For many, those feelings just aren't there. For others, those feelings grow slowly over time. And, I am sure, for others, it is love at first sight. I do think that in most cases, love grows slowly. I think it is rare to have no feelings of love for the duration of parenting an adoptive child. Here are my thoughts on love and my adopted children:

I think that the test of total acceptance, or "grafting" into our family so to speak, of my adopted children as truly my own flesh and blood is when my actions, feelings and thoughts toward them are no longer conscious--when life just flows and is "natural" and I am not "thinking" of how to be in each and every situation. Adopting older children can be uncomfortable because you become conscious, in a way you have never been with your biological children, of how you speak, act, show physical love, etc. You also become conscious of who you both are in relation to one another. I never thought about this with my biological children. I knew them from birth. I was their mother from the moment they breathed their first breath. I know some may counter with the fact that I was "chosen" to be Jerome and Ruth's mother from the time they were born, as well, and I agree. But, I wasn't there. I have no pictures of them as babies. I have no idea what they looked like, what their fuzzy baby heads smelled like, what their cries sounded like, nor did I watch them take their first step, and for that part of me grieves.

With adopted children, you are expected to love a "stranger" in the same way you love your biological children. Walls of defense are erected out of protection on both sides and need to be torn down. Love needs to become automatic, not consciously, painfully intentional. It takes times, work, energy tears, pain--little by little you both work to tear walls down. These walls are NOT erected intentionally against one another, but our adopted children come with walls already up because they have been through so much. We have our own walls up as we learn to parent and love children who come to us with personalities already fully developed. We don't have as much influence in shaping them as we did our children from birth. And we may fool ourselves into thinking that we as the parent, the "grown-up", have it all together and are ready for them when they come, with open arms and lots of love to give. Partly that is true . . . But then sin gets in the way. I think every adoptive parents fantasizes about what it is going to be like when that special child comes. We long to lavish our love, to hug away past hurts and kiss dry the tears of lonelines. It isn't always like that. Maybe some people do have their fantasy come true. I don't know. My children came scared, hurt, angry, confused and they didn't want to melt into my arms exclaiming "thank you!" Do you blame them? They were protected by emotional walls because no "physcial" walls were there--no family, no boundaries, no parental guidance. I am sure that their orphanage did a great job of protecting them, but it can never replace a family, a home.

I thought I was ready, and I WAS in so many ways--prepared to love, to give and serve. But I was totally unprepared, too. I have my OWN walls up. Both sides have to work to take that wall down. There have been times when they have worked to bring the wall down and I was the one who wasn't ready. One day, I pray, the wall will be down and living life together will be unconscious, relaxed, automatic. I will fully know them and they will fully trust me. I will be able to anticipate their reactions to situations, things I say, etc.

Don't get me wrong, things are really good here. I would never change a thing about our adoption. Our transition has been rocky in some places, but it has gotten progressively better and better. Older children NEED to be adopted and Christian parents are needed for the job. It isn't easy, I will be the first to admit that. But, man is it worth it!

In Christ, Laura